A message to young closet OTD people 

In the past couple of years I’ve got to know a lot of OTD people at varying levels and stages around the world. 
I know I’m very vocal about religion etc and I’m taking that into consideration as I write this.
There are a group of people to whom this post is aimed.  These are the younger “closet OTD” people mostly men who contact me.
I am just a regular woman living a very normal life.  I’m not a professional in this field and nor am I a psychologist.
There are organisations out there that cater for those of you trying to break out of your faith who are there to assist in the transition and to support you in whichever way you need.
Although I can be a friend to some of you I can’t possibly be a friend or support to the huge number of people who get in touch with me. 
Therefore, I would urge those looking to break free to contact Gesher EU or Mavaar here in London, Forward in Canada or Footsteps in NY.  I’m sure there are other organizations around the world but I’m afraid I don’t know them.
The 3 I mentioned I know are fantastic and have been hugely helpful to a vast number of people at all stages of leaving.
If anyone knows any others please comment below.
One final point, often those younger men on the cusp of trying to move out message me relentlessly without understanding I have a life and kids and haven’t got the time to get involved. And so yes sadly if you persist after I politely asked you to stop messaging, I am forced to block all messages from you.
Thanks for understanding and I wish you all the luck in the world finding the happiness and freedom that works for you.
Shabbat shalom  xx
P.S.  Posting publicly on purpose.

Typical scene at my dentist!!

Here’s something lighthearted!!

Typical scene right now at my religious dentist.

Here goes:

* Lady 1 reading the  Binah.

* Lady 2 on her phone to her “goyta”!

* Lady 3 mumbling tehillim.

* Lady 4 scrolling through her sms on her kosher phone!

* Girl 1 reading the latest People Speak while peeping over at me

* Girl 2 next to me trying to peer over at my phone in obvious curiosity and seeing if she can read what I’m writing without me noticing.  Sorry hun I can sense you.  Good. Thanks for stopping. She’s moved places.

* Man 1 saying tehillim far too loud

* Man 2 on the phone to his wife

* Man 3 glancing through a chumash 

* Man 4 smiling while reading an old “Der Yid” newspaper lying around

* Man 5 biting his nails while listening to a talk on his mp3 

* Boy 1 reading a Rebbi magazine intensely 

* Boy 2 annoying his little sister who is trying to watch the cars outside the window 

And then there’s me! Minding my own business typing this while listening to Shape of You far too loud!!  Just realised it’s the Omer. Ooops!!

Look at Lilli- She Looks Jewish. OMG. Really??

So last night I was at a club in central London with a couple of friends.  

I met up with a guy there I’ve known on and off for a few months.

Adam is a real gentleman, eloquent and simply charming. Oh and he’s super handsome too which is a bonus!!

He has an interesting and unusual look so we had discussed previously his heritage and mine. 

He is half French and half Moroccan and I’m half British and half Lebanese which I guess gives me my very white complexion!!!

So we were chatting and noticed a lady near us suddenly snogging a friend of ours randomly which we found pretty funny!!

They had just been chatting and the next moment they were snogging and shit! It was intense albeit slightly uncomfortable for us to watch!!

As we stood there in obvious shock Adam says to me “oh that’s Lilli she’s Jewish”. 

I asked how he knew and he said look at her she looks jewish!! “She’s not a very good Jew because what she’s doing is a big no no in their religion”!!

I suddenly thought of the number of Jewish people I’ve ever met and wondered how such a sentence can be uttered.

What do “all jews look like”???? Is it the typical long nose big eyes hunched demeanour big hair look???? The glasses and geeky look???? What did he mean?? I asked, but he couldn’t clarify.  Said she just looks it.

Then he said to me “I don’t know much about Jews and Lilli is the only Jew I’ve ever met” !!!

I stopped. 

I thought he knew I was from a Jewish background as my name is Esther and I’m either black or Jewish!!!!  

Clearly not.

So I had that moment.

Do I say anything or not??

I decided not to simply because I felt it was irrelevant and as I don’t identify with the faith it was unnecessary. 

But I was thinking how odd it was to have this conversation about Jews assuming he wasn’t talking to one!!!

We are meeting again on Friday night and I’m thinking I’m gonna bring it up with him and see his reaction!!!

The Break-up 

So you ended it.

Finally.

It’s a relief.

That’s the truth. 

For so many of us

We hold on to

Hopes and 

dreams 

Imagining things will 

One day

Be 

Perfect. 
Logically 

You know it never will

But you try

And try 

to make it work 

Even though you know

It’s fucking

Pointless.
You know there was 

Nothing 

No interests in common 

No real love 

Or communication 

He knew nothing 

about you…
About your life

Aspirations 

Fears

Past 

Dreams

Hopes for the future….

You didn’t chat.
You did.

But he was selfish. 

Always about him. 

His life.

His business.

His kids.

His issues.

And you listen

Cos that’s the woman you are

You care 

You take it all in…

You are there….
But your friends tell you 

The truth 

And it sucks to hear 

But they are right 

It’s nothing

It’s a dream 

An illusion 

There’s no relationship 

At all

Too many negatives….
And yet you hold on

In the hope 

Maybe 

He will change 

He will love you 

He will actually care 

He will start to listen….
And the frustration

And anger 

Builds up…
The resentment 

That simmering sense of

Indignity 
How dare you treat me

This way??

How fucking dare you??
How have you become like this

It’s not you

You’re  not desperate 

Or needy

And you’re  becoming 

Exactly that….
So you call

Text 

Email

Video 

And he starts ignoring you

And that’s the worst 

But you make a decision.
I’m stepping back 

You tell him.

I’m tired of fighting 

for you

I want you to fight 

for me now…
And two days later 

It’s all over.

He doesn’t fight 

for you.

And you are done

Being the one 

To 

Always

Reach out….
Now it’s over. 

Relief.

Freedom.
You think back. 

What were the 

Good times like

The positives?
That’s when it hits you. 

You can’t find any.
The attraction was minor

To say the least

The chats were all

About him

He knew nothing at all 

About you

He spent time gambling

Instead of with you

He was cold

Would shut down

At the first sign of anything

And couldn’t communicate 

His issues 

He couldn’t open up

to you

And you couldn’t 

Open up to him…..
And now it’s peaceful 

Relaxed

and all the worries 

Have melted away.
Never will you act 

like this again

for someone

Who didn’t deserve you 

Didn’t appreciate you 

Didn’t understand you…

And 

Even though he claims 

He loved you

His actions 

Proved 

Otherwise…..

​OTD Custody Battles Update

So my custody battle has finally been closed!! I have a court order saying I’m her mum and I have custody of her (sickening this has to even be said).

She is legally with me every day now besides for Shabbat and Jewish holidays. 

The judge tried to be fair. But she was undoubtedly biased against me as she spent so much of her time talking to my sister who was there on the opposing side.

My lawyer was shocked how callous and vile she was to and about me and that made him up his game massively.

Ironically, in conclusion the judge said “relationships have clearly broken down which is unfortunate and now that it’s come to an end perhaps bridges will be built and all animosity can be put behind you all”.

What the fuck.

Kidnap my kid. 

For months.

Send me to the depths of depression and contemplating suicide cos of my pain and tell me to forgive and move on?!?!?!? Really?????

My lawyer turned around and asked me if that was a possibility to which I responded “no chance. Ever. What they did to me was unforgivable. End of”.

The judge asked me if I had anything to add before concluding and I took the opportunity to say the following….

“If this whole situation was simply about the fact that my ex husband and siblings didn’t agree my daughter was going to a state school rather than a Jewish school then that’s one thing.

However the manner in which it was done was wholly unacceptable and the most painful thing any parent should ever have to deal with.

Kidnapping my own daughter off me and not allowing me to contact her for several months… Disgusting….

But more than all this… 

The allegations levelled against me were so unbelievably shocking….. The allegations of drink and drug addictions and abuse and neglect etc etc… That was low. And everyone making those allegations knew that they were false. 

And that…. Your Honour…. Is why I will never forgive these people for what they have done to me and my sons”.

Silence.

No one could say much.

So it’s over.

The pain will lessen with time and the closeness Miri and I had is slowly repairing….

The world has to wake up to what is going on with parents who have left whatever faith they had and have chosen another path.

We are not abusive neglectful people….

We have just chosen another way.

We have morals and ethics that come from experience and respecting humanity. Whoever they may be.

Thank you for the love and support you all gave me when I was on the verge of giving up…

Ending a Friendship / Relationship that I should Never have gotten into…..

​Sometimes we have to have conversations that are incredibly tough…. 

Those talks that although you know it’s the right thing to do it definitely doesn’t make it easier. 

Last week I ended a close friendship/relationship with someone I’ve known and come to really like over the past few months.  

It was a friendship which should never have happened to begin with. I shouldn’t have allowed it. But I did. 

I can’t go into the ins and outs but it was wrong. 

On many levels. 

And although I didn’t know this initially when he hit on me on the dance floor of the pub I frequent I did find out the situation fairly soon afterwards.

Right there and then I should have been strong. Tough. Stuck to my morals and principles. 

But I was already sucked in. So we kept meeting. Kept hanging out. Having fun. 

The voices in my head never stopped.

I couldn’t silence them.

What I was doing was wrong.

Period.

And I can’t even justify it.

I’m not gonna shift the blame onto him.

I’m an adult.

Responsible for my own actions.

So after a lot of thought and withdrawing into myself and deciding what to do and how to do it so as not to hurt him too much….. 

I finally got the strength to end it.

This was last week.

Yesterday he wanted to meet up.

“To give myself closure” he said.

“To say goodbye properly”….

I was totally thrown.

I never wanted to hear from him again.

But I did.

I didn’t want to meet. 

But I did.

It was so conflicting

And painful

As we had become close friends.

It took all the strength to tell him however hard it is to hang up one final time it’s gonna be a million times harder meeting and physically saying goodbye and walking away…. Getting out of his car one last time…..

And so yes tonight I mourn a special friendship but I’m also really proud of myself for finally having that long talk and being honest. 

I tried not to be hurtful…. He never did anything wrong to me. But this had to stop. No ifs or buts…

When someone is at the other end of the phone begging to meet one final time…. 

When he’s saying he cant do this….. That it will be so so painful….. That he wants to be able to chill and have fun going out places with me….

That’s the technical meaning of Brain Fuck.

I had to be strong.

If I didn’t end it totally….meaning zero contact….there will always be the chance we could go there again…..

And so I said simply “I’m sorry…… I’ve got to walk away…. Please understand me…..  You have been an amazing friend and I’ve loved hanging out with you but should our friendship come to light you will have lost everything….. And I will never be able to forgive myself…. And so however hard this is I’m going……”

With tears in my eyes and a lot of pain I hung up. But I know I’ve done the right thing and that took a hell of a lot of strength to do and stick to….. And that makes me smile.

I feel like a huge burden has been lifted off my shoulders……