Please Don’t judge the Dad for Committing Suicide over the pain of Not Being Able to See His Kids….

For those who say this guy was selfish for doing what he did as his kids will never have the chance to know him when they grow up I say this.

If you have never had your child/ren taken off you and fought a custody battle, you will never fully understand the pain and desperation you feel as a parent.

And there are times you feel like life isn’t worth living anymore if your babies aren’t in your life.

My heart breaks for his kids who will never know their daddy. But I would never judge him. I remember feeling this way and I was fortunate to have two other kids who were with me who kept me going.

The pain is unbearable. I used to describe it as someone taking a knife, stabbing you in the heart with it, and twisting it round and round. It’s horrific. And I don’t wish that on anyone.

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Be True to Yourself and Just be YOU ❤️💙❤️💙

Maybe…

Maybe the journey

Isn’t so much about

Becoming….

Becoming anything….

Maybe it about

UN-becoming

Everything that isn’t

Really

You…

So that you can be who

You were meant to be

In the first place…..

#religion #hasidic #judaism #cult #cults #hasidicjews #otdgirl #otd #leavingmyfaith #religionisbullshit #chabad #bobov #rabbi #orthodox #orthodoxjew #otdandproud #itgetsbesser #Footsteps #freedom #free #celeb #makeuptutorial #model #fashion #fruit #vegan #vegetarian #vegetables #makeup #school

This is what a Controlling Partner is Like. Red Flags 🚩

A friend of mine is dating someone and this happened last night. She never answered after that and blocked him. This is the worst thing. Being checked up on. Feeling almost violated every time you go online. Feeling you have to justify yourself constantly.

If you’re with someone who behaves like this (as I’ve been and was scared to go online in case I’d be interrogated as to why I was online but not interacting with him etc) then just get out. It’s just the biggest red flag ever. And no it’s not cute. “It’s coz I love you and wanna know what you’re up to” is bullshit.

Holocaust Memorial Day 2019

As a young child I hadn’t known much about the reality of the Holocaust.

As I grew older I began to hear people discussing it. Often friends would talk about the experiences their grandparents had gone through or how many of their family had been murdered.

As someone who went to an ultra Orthodox school I was in the minority. I had no personal experience with all this.

I didn’t have the Bubba sitting in a rocking chair recounting what happened. I didn’t have the guilt being placed on me by relatives about how lucky I am to be alive after “all your relatives died”.

My dad’s side were British and as far as I understand had no involvement at all in the Holocaust as they were in the UK.

On my Mum’s side the Holocaust was something she hadn’t even heard of until her late teens. Her side are from Lebanon and they didn’t even mention it. It was a non event. Something no one was told about.

So, while all those around me were learning about the horrors of what had happened during those hellish years by osmosis, I knew very little.

At some point I became more and more curious as I would hear people talk, visitors to our school or Saturday afternoon discussions, and I wanted to learn more.

I went out of my way to borrow practically all the autobiographies in my local library. I was especially curious about those written by young women. Teenagers and young mothers.

Over time I read so many books and began to learn and understand what had gone on.

I also started going to homes for the elderly and would talk to the men and women about what they remembered. I found it interesting how some couldn’t remember what they had eaten for lunch but could recount in detail things they had witnessed decades earlier.

As I grew older and became aware that as the years went by the survivors would be less and less it began to affect me and I was hungry for more information. More interaction.

I would listen to anyone who had been alive at the time and asked so many questions. I have always loved knowing about people’s lives and been a curious person.

And sadly today I had almost forgotten it was Holocaust Memorial Day were it not for my daughter who reminded me and showed me something she had shared with her friends.

Note to self. Despite not being involved in the Jewish community or having anything to do with Jews in my day to day life, some things cannot be forgotten. And this is one of them.

On Holocaust Memorial Day 2019 – RIP all the 6 million Jews killed as well as all the other nationalities and LGBT people slaughtered just for being themselves.

#religion #hasidic #judaism #cult #cults #hasidicjews #london #otdgirl #otd #leavingmyfaith #religionisbullshit #chabad #bobov #rabbi #orthodox #orthodoxjew #otdandproud #itgetsbesser #Footsteps #freedom #free #Holocaust #HolocaustMemorialDay #6MillionDead

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Sciatica and a Slipped Disc is Causing me So Much Pain

It’s 3am and I’m writhing around in agony crying because I’m in such a lot of pain. I’ve got a badly inflamed slipped disc and severe sciatica which began 6 weeks ago.

I’ve tried every possible #painkiller and I’m still in #pain. I’ve been to see an #osteopath privately too. Still no improvement. I need relief and to be able to #sleep.

#sciatica #sciaticarelief #painkillers #help #backpain #legpain #slippeddisc #gym #walking #walkinghelps #exercise

Families Don’t Do This To Their Own So I Cant Forgive Them

This was the last time I was at a family event – ironically my own son’s bar mitzva – a mere 4 years ago today.

I left my community a few weeks after this photo was taken. It’s been almost 4 years now since I was with all my sisters.

Not only can I not forgive them for taking my daughter away from me and having to fight through the courts to get her back, I wouldn’t want to spend a moment with people who are capable of such evil, albeit in the name of their religion.

I’ve been asked whether or not I could forgive them for what they did. And rebuild a relationship with them. My answer is clear. However much it breaks my heart to say this, I no longer consider them my family.

Families don’t do this to their own. Lines were crossed. Massively. And in reality they have never apologised for what they did and probably don’t even feel they did anything wrong according to their faith.

So could I forgive them? Even if they apologised – which they haven’t and wouldn’t?

No. Absolutely not. They tore my little girl away from me and THAT is unforgivable.

#religion #hasidic #judaism #cult #cults #hasidicjews #london #otdgirl #otd #leavingmyfaith #religionisbullshit #chabad #bobov #rabbi #orthodox #orthodoxjew #otdandproud #itgetsbesser #Footsteps #freedom #free #jewishculture #athiesthumor #polygamylife #followers #religionisbullshitliesandfairytales #follow #followme #poem #poetry #poetrycommunity #poems #family #blood #families #tornapart #bloodrelatives

A Slipped Disc and Severe Sciatica

It’s been almost 6 weeks now that I’m practically immobile due to a very inflamed slipped disc In my lower back and severe sciatica.

The pain I’m going through is unbearable at times although with the right painkillers I may get a momentary 50% relief. But I’m never pain-free.

What I’m struggling with however is not necessarily the physical aspect. It’s the ripple effects it has.

I have not been back at work since Christmas and have barely been able to see my sons as I’m in bed most of the time.

I have gone to see a private Osteopath to help me and I’ll have an MRI in a week or two if this continues.

I see people walking around and just getting in their cars popping to the shops. And I can barely move. It’s awful. And I’m jealous of people doing normal stuff.

I feel like I’ve gone from a young healthy woman who was so independent and busy to someone who is incapable of basic tasks. I’ve always taken pride in my home and right now I can’t even bend down to empty a bin.

I feel totally useless. And it’s affecting my mental health massively. I find myself crying a lot mainly over silly things that wouldn’t usually bother me.

Being unable to leave my flat for weeks except for a couple of times is awful. I’m not used to having to ask for help. And I hate it.

What I didn’t realise was that working gives you a social life that you miss when it’s not there. So while work may suck sometimes it’s the friendships and the adult chats you have that make it worthwhile.

And I miss that. A lot. And it makes me feel pathetic and lonely. And on the one hand I want that back, while at the same time I’m in so much pain that the thought of company fills me with dread.

What if I’m in agony while someone is here? How can I cover it up? What would I have to say? And all my anxieties creep back in my head.

Meanwhile I’ve got a painkiller patch on my arm which is supposed to help as well as a cocktail of pills and a lot of hope that things will improve and I’ll be back on my feet really soon.