Finding Love After Surviving Abuse…

It’s hard to be like everyone else when you’ve been in an abusive relationship for so many years.

When dating again it’s hard to know who is genuine and wanting the same things as you and who is after a quick fling or a one night stand. This takes time to work out.

But I have realised that what I find hardest of all is believing that someone could actually want to be with me. That someone wants to spend their time with me doing all sorts of stuff.

I’m also aware that I’m carrying baggage and I have to differentiate between what is happening now and what has happened previously that is affecting how things are going now.

And it’s exhausting. The emotions I go through every time we meet up and the second guessing… the fears and mental somersaults my brain does is utterly draining.

And no one can change that. I have to start believing that he wants me for me. And to be honest with how I’m feeling and why certain things will trigger me.

For example in my last relationship the person I was with let me down hundreds of times. He would say he’d be there at that time or meet up at that place or come over at a certain time. And inevitably it would never happen. He always had excuses afterwards but I got so used to it that I stopped getting ready to go out or fell asleep knowing he wouldn’t turn up anyway.

So now if I get let down my mind goes to all sorts of dark places. And I know it’s not his fault. It’s my past experiences that have made me react with feelings of frustration and sadness. And automatically I assume he doesn’t want to spend time with me, not taking in what was actually said – that he would be working.

As a deep thinker and someone who is super analytical it works against me as my mind second guesses everything and goes to negative places to protect myself from getting hurt.

And whilst this is all understandable, it can also be detrimental to a new dating relationship. So I am aware of these things and I do ask for help when I need guidance.

Bottom line is communication. Being open and honest with the person you’re dating and letting them know why certain things make you feel a certain way. And only then can you potentially move forward.

Also knowing my worth and believing that someone does indeed want to be with me for genuinely good reasons is so reaffirming.

With time I am sure things will get easier as long as I am honest about how things affect me. And as long as the right person is willing to work with me.

I feel proud of where I am now considering where I started 5 years ago. These days I won’t put up with any man messing me around and I’m extremely wary of letting someone in my life so I have to truly trust them. And I am able to say what I want and need in a relationship so it’s not just what they want.

And I’m sure for many people that seems like a small thing but for me it’s not. Being able to say no or I’m not feeling it and don’t want to meet again is empowering.

I hope one day I’ll be able to share with you how I have found a wonderful person who accepts me warts and all and that for the first time I feel loved. Wouldn’t that be wonderful!!

I’m #Free To Be Me After 35 Years #Trapped in a #Cult…

This girl was trapped

Trapped in a world

Where she was unable to think

Unable to speak up

Unable to be herself.

Being different was bad

Her thoughts dragged her down

How much longer could she

Live in a world where

She was trapped?

A world where women’s voices

Don’t matter

Where she was silenced into submission

Where she did what she was told to do

A world that told her that

Critical thinking

Is so bad it gets you expelled

From their institutions

For fear of corrupting others….

A world where education

Has no value

A place where all that matters

Is procreating

Over and over again…

A world where you’re cut off

From normal society

Told how bad everyone else is

And “we are special” or

Worse still “the chosen people”.

A community which I label a cult

As they take your children away

If they don’t like the way you live

And where many people who have left

Have no access to their children.

A society that doesn’t acknowledge

Other religions

LGBTQA+ exists

Where racism is rife

And where being a sheep is seen as ideal

And individuality is terrible.

This girl fought hard

For everything she has today

Had to start from scratch

Had to find out about herself…

Who she is and what she wants.

This woman had to learn

To trust again

To love again

To talk again

To realise

She matters.

The woman who was invisible

As she dressed in long skirts

Clothes that covered her entire body

In colours that were drab

And her hair covered by a wig.

This woman felt unattractive

Like no one would want her

Because that’s what she’d been told

All her life…

a divorced woman

Is always second class at best.

This woman stopped listening

To the haters

To those who prayed for her

To fail

To give up

And ultimately to “come home”.

She was told

“Wait till her money runs out

And she’ll have to come back”

But she was tough

She’s a fighter

And never “went back”.

This woman realised

That people only loved her

Or wanted her in their lives

As long as she did what she was told

And followed their rules.

So when this woman

Stopped listening

Stopped being a man’s puppet

She found herself ostracised

And on her own.

But this woman never gives up.

She spent the last few years

Finding out who she is

What makes her tick

Who she fancies

And what makes her happy

And how to be the best mother she can be.

She’s had to unlearn

All the indoctrination she was

Brainwashed with all her life

And learn to think for herself

And become the person she was perhaps

Destined to be from the start.

She’s now able to be free

She can dress as she pleases

She can date people she’s actually

Genuinely attracted to

Someone who makes her happy

She can drive

She can be successful

She can be

Herself.

She finally has a voice

She can speak for those

Still trapped

Those who remain voiceless

Because now she knows

Her opinions matter

She will never stop speaking up

About things she’s seen

And experienced….

Things they don’t want

“The outside world” to know about.

Finally.

She

Is

Who she was meant to be

She’s happy

And she is

Free….

And yes….

That woman

Is me 💖

Life is Getting Better and Better Every Day….

I wrote this exactly two years ago when things were not going particularly well for me. Reading this now I feel so full of pride and gratitude that I have passed this stage and am in a good place.

Yes I’m still in pain with my spinal issues and still awaiting two surgeries one of which is in 10 days. But I’m happy. I’ve met amazing people and have surrounded myself with positive people who make my life better. And I hope I do the same for them.

It’s sad but positive reading where I was this time in 2017. Things will only keep getting better…. I know it. I feel it.

*******

September 2017

I’m tired….

Tired of trying to be perfect

Tired of being in pain

Tired of being defensive

And guarded….

I’m tired of pretending

to be someone I’m not

Tired of my insecurities

Overwhelming my very being….

I’m tired of being sad

Tired of not being good enough

Tired of causing hurt

And disappointment….

I’m tired of trying

And failing….

Tired of being put down

Made to feel inadequate….

I’m tired of being called names

Tired of backstabbers

Tired of worrying

What others think of me…

I’m tired of being consumed

With pain

Tired of wanting to be accepted

Tired of trying to be the

Perfect woman…..

I’m tired of worrying about

My looks

My weight

My figure…..

Of what others think of me

All day every day

I’m tired of this…

I’m tired of being insecure

Tired of lacking confidence….

I’m tired.

Just

Freaking tired

of

Being

Me…

Because me has never been

Good enough.

Ever.

Part 1 – an Email I Received

This is a two part post.

Part 1 – this is an email I received a few weeks ago. It was something I needed to hear. Something that validated so many things for me. I have asked this person if it’s okay for me to post this without identifying details and he’s agreed to that.

Part 2 will be another post which was my response to him.

Tonight I Have to Cut My Mother out of my Life…

When I left the cult I was born into I never imagined that when I did so I’d have to sever ties with every single person I’ve ever known. That included family.

As one of 10 kids I’ve lost all of them. Mostly because of things they did to me during a bitter custody battle, and not because I cut contact.

When it came to my parents we had almost no contact for the first couple of years. They couldn’t come to terms with me changing so drastically.

Eventually we came to an understanding that we wouldn’t discuss religion and they would accept me as I am. And if not then I would have no choice other than to walk away.

This has worked pretty well. Comments have been made but shut down just as quickly. And it’s been a couple of years now that things have been mostly stable.

I don’t discuss my personal life and don’t antagonise them in any way. Likewise they don’t try to influence me either.

I guess it would be called having mutual respect and agreeing to disagree. I personally don’t agree with their way of life. However it’s not for me to say anything. It’s not my business. I just want to be afforded the same respect. That’s all. Is it too much to expect??

However tonight everything changed. I went to their house after having not been for a while. During the course of a conversation my mother asked me about my relationship with an ex boyfriend.

She asked me outright whether he ever stayed at mine and when I said yes she asked “in which bed”? It didn’t take her long to work out what had been going on.

We had been together for 2.5 years so this wasn’t a fling or a one night stand. This was a proper relationship and I loved him.

All of a sudden she said “so you sell yourself to men”.

I have to be honest here and say things as they are. I’m a very calm person generally but I lost it. I swore outright to her for the first time ever. I was fuming.

“How fucking dare you say that to me – your own daughter? You’re calling me a prostitute?? Why?? Because I was intimate with a partner I was in a relationship with and we weren’t married!!! That is the most disgusting and offensive thing you can possibly say to me. That’s low. Very low”.

Things were said. It got out of control.

I was shaking with anger. I couldn’t believe my own mother would say that to me. I tried to explain to her – whilst I was livid – that morality doesn’t come from religion. It comes from oneself.

She said if I slept with him then I can do that one night and sleep with another man the next night and so on. And that I’m selling my body to random men. The logic… WTF.

Being a secular person doesn’t mean I have no morals and that I sleep around with different men.

I realised I was wasting my time and my hurt and frustration were breaking me. I was on the verge of tears. I didn’t want her to see what her words had done to me. I was desperate to get out of there.

As I got to the front door she said “I’m sorry for what I said”. And I replied “what you said was so offensive and low I don’t know how you could do that to your own child”.

It was dark outside. I got into my car and cried. I cried for the parent I have once again lost. I cried for the pain of being judged so poorly… and I cried for myself. For the pain I was in.

What is “Sleeping Through The Year’s”?

Have you ever come across the phrase “sleeping through your life”? I hadn’t until a couple of years ago when I stumbled across it as I was doing research on traumatic experiences.

In a nutshell, many people who have suffered years of constant trauma will, as an adult, not recall much of that time of their lives. It’s a way of your brain knowing there’s a limit to what can deal with.

So your brain will “make you forget those times” and for some people, like myself, it means that although it was a way of my mind protecting my sanity and not allowing me to have to remember everything, it also means that now I truly struggle to remember basic things.

There are many years which I can barely remember anything I did. I remember the birth of my children but I don’t recall much about my life between the ages of around 5-14 and again from 19-35.

I’ve spent so much time trying to think. Trying to recall. Trying to remember things even if it’s to help others. And slowly over time things are coming back to me.

And when it does, it hurts all over again.

So “sleeping through the years” was my body’s natural coping mechanism. However now I want to know what happened. I want to remember things. But I can’t.

It feels as if I’m someone else, detached, and looking in from the outside in, and feeling constantly frustrated that my memory has let me down when I need it to help others.

What I do remember is painful enough but I want my memory back. I had kept diaries of specific times although I was never totally honest in them for fear of them being found by certain people.

And aside from the 4 books of ramblings which I’ve never read back I have nothing. I will read them one day but even though they were written between 2010-2013 and many years have passed I haven’t got the strength to read them. Yet.