How I moved on from the #childabuse I suffered

Many people would never forgive their parents for abuse they went through. And I totally understand why.

I want to take a slightly different approach.

I have spent years and years being angry and hurting over abuse I suffered as a kid. In all ways. For so long I felt like I was stuck in the past. Like I’d never be able to move on.

I had every right to be angry.

I had every right to cut off those who abused me. Over and over again.

But in recent years as I have got older and have kids of my own I decided to look at things differently.

Not because they deserved it. But because I needed to heal. I needed to be able to move forward in my life.

I spent so long analysing their situation. What could perhaps have made them do what they did.

My parents are both BT and for many years had little or no contact with their own families. They married young. Too young. They had baby after baby. All in quick succession.

Finances were tight. My father worked hard all his life. Sometimes doing several jobs at once. But with so many mouths to feed and bills to pay it’s an uphill struggle with almost no end in sight.

I would never ever condone abuse. I have to make it clear. But I needed to understand them more.

I took time out to grieve for the little girl whose innocence was taken from her. For the young child who was perpetually in fear of those who should have been there to protect her. For the baby covered in bruises but who was too scared to cry….

And then I realised in order to get on with my life and be emotionally stable I had to put it all in the past. I had to close that chapter.

It wasn’t easy but I did it. I began to allow those people back into my life. Slowly. Limited.

And it’s fascinating how time changes people. I don’t see them in any way as threatening. I see two people getting older, and who have lost contact with almost all their children because of their actions.

I feel a little bit sorry for them. It’s strange. They have one child who has regular contact and they have ten children.

I have no idea whether or not they regret what they did, whether they feel guilty, whether they have “chosen to forget” what happened to me and my siblings.

But I need to find peace. For myself. For my future.

I need to move on with my life without harbouring intense pain and anger against people who I now feel have mental health issues.

So I have let go of the past.

I have forgiven – to some extent.

I will never forget. But I need to move on.

#childabuse #sexualabuse #domesticviolence #frum #chabad #mentalhealth

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My #bariatricsurgery nightmare still goes on…

To anyone considering #bariatric surgery…

8 years down the line.

Over 100 surgeries.

Almost died on 2 occasions.

And I’m never gonna “be normal”. (Jokes to be written in the comments please!!)

Tonight I’m in a lot of pain.

I’m vomiting continuously.

Anything I eat causes me pain

And then I’m in the bathroom throwing up.

Was it worth it?

For me? No.

Please – when considering surgery remember all the possible risks. You may be fine but you may end up like me… or worse still like my two friends who died from complications.

Being obese is really unhealthy but dying or living in pain unable to digest a portion of chicken 8 years down the line isn’t great either.

#bariatricsurgery #gastricbypass #gastricsleeve #gastricband #hospital #sepsis

Accepting our flaws… all our bodies are beautiful

Today as I was walking through #CamdenTown in #London I noticed a group of people pointing and looking at these women.

At first I didn’t even notice the fact that they had very little on. I was blown away by their beauty and the headwear!! I saw they had lots of words written on their bodies. Words such as liberte. I wanted to know more about them and what their message was.

So I walked over to them and asked them about themselves. They told me they were musicians who had just performed in a local hall. They are called #TheSoapGirls and are from #SouthAfrica.

They were the loveliest women! So genuinely nice and all about embracing the human body and loving and accepting your body regardless of your imperfections.

I told them “if I looked like you I’d also be more comfortable in my body”. I was so impressed and in awe of what they said to me. We discussed how no one is perfect. It’s not about being perfect. It’s about saying this is me. I’m not perfect and I’m comfortable in my own skin. And being proud of yourself.

For someone like me who has so many insecurities I really needed to hear this. Ironically I noticed many guys taking selfies with them in the background thinking it was hilarious. And I thought you missed the point!

Sometimes we meet people and they change our lives and the way we perceive ourselves. This was one of those moments.

#DomesticAbuse #MentalHealth – 3 years later and I’m living drama free!

This time 3 years ago I was in a terrible situation. I had just left my husband of 17 years. I had nothing. And no one. He had withdrawn all the funds we had in our bank accounts and I was broke. Totally penniless. I had 3 kids and not a penny to my name.

I was trying to come to terms with all the abuse I had endured. I spent countless hours doing police interviews recounting the sexual, financial and emotional abuse he had put me through.

I became suicidal and severely depressed. I was self harming too.

At the same time I began to change and pursued my new OTD life and journey. Everyone turned on me. One of my kids was suffering terribly with anxieties to the point they were unable to function and go to school. That child ended up in hospital under the children’s mental health team.

I was alone. Totally alone. I didn’t know anything about the otd community at that time. I did it all on my own.

I was out of work due to ill health. My life seemed like it would never get better. I didn’t know how I would be able to make it through the days. How I would be able to feed my kids.

I was being taken to court by people countless times over finances, unpaid bills, issues with my divorce, custody etc etc.

There were times I wanted to give up. But having my kids and knowing where they would end up if I did what I thought of stopped me.

The frum community were harassing me. They were spreading vicious rumors about me and coming to my house to protest and harass me and my kids. I had to call the police on several occasions.

This week I was talking to a friend and I said “my life is finally settled and drama free!” He said he was looking forward to the time when he would be able to say the same thing.

I’m now back at work. My kids are happy and settled. I have moved to a new place away from the frum community. My depression is (mostly) under control. I have a fantastic boyfriend who loves and supports me 100%. My rent is paid up to date. My bills are being paid on time. And I’m divorced and have legally changed my surname back to maiden name!!

Life is good!

And I’m finally living drama free!

And I never thought – 3 years ago – that this day would ever come.

Some of you may now be where I was back then. Know that this day will come for you too. When you’ll be happy, stress free, drama free, financially stable, and loved.

If it can happen to me it can happen to you.

I said I was busy. I wasn’t.

I said I was okay

I wasn’t.

I said I was busy

I wasn’t.

Well I kinda was.

But not the way you think.

I was busy

Hiding under my duvet

Crying

Lost

Alone

Wishing the day to be over.

I was busy

Doing nothing.

I was busy

Just

Trying

To survive.

I’m sorry I said I was busy

But you know me by now.

You know my struggles

My #mentalhealth issues

My fight to overcome #depression.

Sometimes I wanna say

I’m sorry for being me.

#mentalhealthweek #mentalhealthmonth #PTSD #mentalhealthawareness

Mental Health Struggles

My heart is racing

My mind numb

I want to write

But my head is saying

Stop

Don’t do this

Just go to sleep

It will be okay

Tomorrow.

That’s what I always told myself.

It will be okay tomorrow.

But it wasn’t.

It never was.

Sleep gave me a few hours respite

When the tablets worked

But waking up groggy

Gave me a shit start to my day.

The depression was still there

It never stops

It follows me

Everywhere

Constantly.

Even when I should be happy

It prevents me feeling

True happiness.

Fearful

Anxious

Sad

For no apparent reason.

I know I’m rambling.

That’s how my mind is

Right now.

A mess.

A fucking mess.

I’m frustrated

But I don’t know why.

I should be sleeping now

Resting before a busy day

At work tomorrow

But I can’t relax

There’s too much going on

In my mind.

But it make no sense.

Tonight I felt so sad

I don’t know why.

I don’t want to talk to anyone

I don’t want anyone to know

I feel ashamed

As though I’m mad

And not normal

Whatever normal is.

I want everything to be okay

I want everyone to think

I’m doing well.

And I am.

In so many ways.

So why do I feel like this?

Why is my mind like this

Why is my heart heavy

Why are these tears

Rolling down my cheeks

And I’m too drained.

I let them roll

And don’t wipe them away.

I want to taste the pain

The sadness I feel.

It feels real.

I hate feeling like this.

I just want to be okay

I want to feel normal.

So I turn the music on

Loud

Too loud

And try to get absorbed in it

And try to get some sleep.

#mentalhealth #mentalhealthmonth #depression #insomnia

#MentalHealth Awareness Month

Trigger Warning ⚠️

She took a razor and

Put it on her skin

Her arm felt cold

But she felt desperation

Desperate to feel the relief

The pain

See the blood

See her pain leave her body.

No one understood her

So she hid what she was doing

She was a master at covering up

All the scars

The cutting on her arms

Her legs.

Eventually she went to see her doctor

And burst into tears

Showing her bandaged arms

For the first time.

She was ashamed of herself

Felt lost

Out of control

But it made her feel good.

When she saw the cuts

She felt relief

She felt powerful

In control

And it was almost like

Watching the pain seep

Out her….

When she ran out of space

She knew it was time to get help

And she was put on medication.

After a few months of trying

Different combinations of pills

And struggling with the

Side effects

She began the long road

Back uphill.

There’s no shame to say

You’re depressed or anxious

That you’re self harming

PTSD

Phobias of all sorts

Mental health issues.

Please get the help you need.

Life will only get better….

#mentalhealthmonth #mentalhealth #suicide #depression #anxiety #selfharm #endtheshame #nomoreshame #endthestigma