​OTD Custody Battles Update

So my custody battle has finally been closed!! I have a court order saying I’m her mum and I have custody of her (sickening this has to even be said).

She is legally with me every day now besides for Shabbat and Jewish holidays. 

The judge tried to be fair. But she was undoubtedly biased against me as she spent so much of her time talking to my sister who was there on the opposing side.

My lawyer was shocked how callous and vile she was to and about me and that made him up his game massively.

Ironically, in conclusion the judge said “relationships have clearly broken down which is unfortunate and now that it’s come to an end perhaps bridges will be built and all animosity can be put behind you all”.

What the fuck.

Kidnap my kid. 

For months.

Send me to the depths of depression and contemplating suicide cos of my pain and tell me to forgive and move on?!?!?!? Really?????

My lawyer turned around and asked me if that was a possibility to which I responded “no chance. Ever. What they did to me was unforgivable. End of”.

The judge asked me if I had anything to add before concluding and I took the opportunity to say the following….

“If this whole situation was simply about the fact that my ex husband and siblings didn’t agree my daughter was going to a state school rather than a Jewish school then that’s one thing.

However the manner in which it was done was wholly unacceptable and the most painful thing any parent should ever have to deal with.

Kidnapping my own daughter off me and not allowing me to contact her for several months… Disgusting….

But more than all this… 

The allegations levelled against me were so unbelievably shocking….. The allegations of drink and drug addictions and abuse and neglect etc etc… That was low. And everyone making those allegations knew that they were false. 

And that…. Your Honour…. Is why I will never forgive these people for what they have done to me and my sons”.

Silence.

No one could say much.

So it’s over.

The pain will lessen with time and the closeness Miri and I had is slowly repairing….

The world has to wake up to what is going on with parents who have left whatever faith they had and have chosen another path.

We are not abusive neglectful people….

We have just chosen another way.

We have morals and ethics that come from experience and respecting humanity. Whoever they may be.

Thank you for the love and support you all gave me when I was on the verge of giving up…

Ending a Friendship / Relationship that I should Never have gotten into…..

​Sometimes we have to have conversations that are incredibly tough…. 

Those talks that although you know it’s the right thing to do it definitely doesn’t make it easier. 

Last week I ended a close friendship/relationship with someone I’ve known and come to really like over the past few months.  

It was a friendship which should never have happened to begin with. I shouldn’t have allowed it. But I did. 

I can’t go into the ins and outs but it was wrong. 

On many levels. 

And although I didn’t know this initially when he hit on me on the dance floor of the pub I frequent I did find out the situation fairly soon afterwards.

Right there and then I should have been strong. Tough. Stuck to my morals and principles. 

But I was already sucked in. So we kept meeting. Kept hanging out. Having fun. 

The voices in my head never stopped.

I couldn’t silence them.

What I was doing was wrong.

Period.

And I can’t even justify it.

I’m not gonna shift the blame onto him.

I’m an adult.

Responsible for my own actions.

So after a lot of thought and withdrawing into myself and deciding what to do and how to do it so as not to hurt him too much….. 

I finally got the strength to end it.

This was last week.

Yesterday he wanted to meet up.

“To give myself closure” he said.

“To say goodbye properly”….

I was totally thrown.

I never wanted to hear from him again.

But I did.

I didn’t want to meet. 

But I did.

It was so conflicting

And painful

As we had become close friends.

It took all the strength to tell him however hard it is to hang up one final time it’s gonna be a million times harder meeting and physically saying goodbye and walking away…. Getting out of his car one last time…..

And so yes tonight I mourn a special friendship but I’m also really proud of myself for finally having that long talk and being honest. 

I tried not to be hurtful…. He never did anything wrong to me. But this had to stop. No ifs or buts…

When someone is at the other end of the phone begging to meet one final time…. 

When he’s saying he cant do this….. That it will be so so painful….. That he wants to be able to chill and have fun going out places with me….

That’s the technical meaning of Brain Fuck.

I had to be strong.

If I didn’t end it totally….meaning zero contact….there will always be the chance we could go there again…..

And so I said simply “I’m sorry…… I’ve got to walk away…. Please understand me…..  You have been an amazing friend and I’ve loved hanging out with you but should our friendship come to light you will have lost everything….. And I will never be able to forgive myself…. And so however hard this is I’m going……”

With tears in my eyes and a lot of pain I hung up. But I know I’ve done the right thing and that took a hell of a lot of strength to do and stick to….. And that makes me smile.

I feel like a huge burden has been lifted off my shoulders……

The Night My Best Friend was attacked…. She has Only Opened up about it to me This Week…. 18+ 

​Warning…… 18+ due to horrific story of sexual attack. 

This is the heartbreaking and terrifying story of a close friend of mine. She has kept it a secret for several months but finally phoned me up this week as she felt she ready and able to tell her story to help other women not to go through the hell she endured.  

She says she likes my writing style so wanted me to write it on her behalf. She is incredibly brave to do this and I’m so proud of her.

                           *      *      * 

“James and I made a connection over a dating app. He was just my type.

Handsome, muscly and dark features. We had been messaging for a few weeks but never met. We exchanged numbers and chatted over whatsapp and Skype. 
Eventually he asked me over and I was more than happy to say yes. 

I felt we had a lot in common and he seemed to like me a lot and I liked how he made me feel. Special.

He told me he was mid 30’s and had been in the Israeli Army as a commander for 7 years and therefore I felt like I could totally trust him.  

We arranged for me to go over to his place one evening back in October and then we would head out somewhere to chat and have a drink.

As he didn’t drive I did the driving and went round to his.  I didn’t think of telling anyone where I was going. Stupid I know. But I trusted him. Obviously. Otherwise I would never have gone.

When I arrived at his apartment building he was waiting outside and he was polite. 

We had a quick hug and kiss and headed inside. He explained the elevator was out of order and that to get to his place it was on the 13th floor and 27 flights of stairs!! 

I groaned inside me but followed him up despite being breathless and frustrated! He was so fit flying up those stairs so quickly. Impressive.

Eventually we got to the 13th floor and he showed me into his apartment. 

It was nice. Sparse. Clean. Well kept. He showed me around especially the balcony as I was able to see the whole city from that height. The views were stunning….

We went inside and he poured me a vodka and orange with ice. He had Jack Daniels and coke with ice too. It was nice. 

The nerves were going. He had the tv on and disco lights which gave it all a nice atmosphere.  

Sitting on his couch i was content.  

Never in a million years did I expect from him what would happen next…..

He was on the couch opposite me and we were watching music videos on his tv. We discussed our lives. 

He then gets up and walks over to where I’m sitting and sits next to me. That’s fine.  He puts his arm around my shoulders. Still okay. 

Then I felt a strange sensation. He turned towards me…. Put both hands around my neck and pressed down on my windpipe. I thought he was joking. I saw his eyes. It was no joke. 

Choking. 

Breathless. 

I couldn’t say anything. 

No voice came out.

I felt weak… Lightheaded…. What’s going on?? Out of control…. Help… I can’t… I’m dying…. I fall down backwards onto the couch. 

Terrified. 

Shaking.
He took his hands off.

I said NO NO. Stop. Don’t.

Please don’t.

He has an awful look in his eyes.

The atmosphere was tense.

Dark and frightening….

I was too weak to move and run out. 

My mind said get out quick 

My body too exhausted to move…

Lying on my back 

Trying to get up 

Desperation 

But he sees and holds me down…

No.

Don’t.

Stop.

He’s ripping my jeans off.

Omg

Omg

Help me 

Someone help me

No voice come out my mouth…

I try struggling to get away

But he’s too strong for me…

I can’t fight him 

But he doesn’t like me fighting him 

So again he puts his hands tightly around my neck

Presses down on my windpipe

And I’m slumped…..

Paralysed with fear 

And lack of oxygen….

The room is spinning

Everything is dark 

Yellow stars dance in front of my eyes

I’m fainting 

Oh shit.

I’m fainting 

And he’s trying to attack me…

Next thing i come round 

And he’s on me

Having sex 

Raping me

And I am so weak I can barely open my eyes….

My brain is working overtime 

I’m trying to think how to get away…..

I remember my phone is under me 

I take it out without him noticing 

I press the button that videos 

And put it back….

I can’t afford for him to take my phone….

Suddenly it hits me what’s going on

And I’m shouting for him to stop 

I’m screaming no no no

And he ignores me….

I clock he’s not using protection…

I lose the plot…

He stops and puts a condom on…

Although I have no clue where it was…

He finishes and goes out the room 

To sort himself out.

I know this is the one chance I have 

To escape.

He sees me. 

Asks why I’m getting dressed

And I say I’m cold

He says hope you are not thinking of going 

As I have only just started…

I was so utterly petrified 

There was no choice

I had to make a dash for it….

He went to the bathroom and as quietly as possible I grabbed my clothes 

And literally ran out of his apartment.

I had 27 flights of stairs to run down

And I knew it wouldn’t be long 

before he would after me

So I ran like a lunatic 

Flight after flight

While getting myself dressed 

At the same time….

I reached the front door just as I heard

Footsteps flying down the stairs…..

So I grabbed my car keys

Dashed to my car and sped off….

I drove so fast 
Going

Just going 

And after a few minutes I stopped 

Pulled over 

And burst into tears….

I felt it was my fault

I shouldn’t have gone to his place…

Looking back 

There are so many things I could have 

Done differently….

To keep myself safe.   

So after all these months 

And after a lot of pain and consideration 

I’ve decided to tell someone my story 

So she can write it up and spread it for me….
If my story can be a warning 

And a stark reminder what not to do

It will make the whole thing less painful….”
Please share xx

Being OTD – losing one’s loved ones….Today I made peace with the people who hurt me so deeply….. And our relationships are finished forever…. Read to Understand…..

​It’s taken so long

But today 

Yes 

Just today 

I finally made peace…..

Peace with my life. 

Peace with my choices. 

Peace with my situation. 

Peace with being alienated

From those I used to love….

And I’m okay.

I really am…..

It’s taken so long

But i feel that 

Finally 

I can breathe easier….

Today I feel a huge

Sense 

Of

Relief….

I thought it would be painful 

And it was 

Very…

But now the doubts and 

The questions 

Are all over. 

I’m a survivor

And I’ve been to hell

And 

Back

Again. 

But today I feel 

So freaking free

And it feels awesome…..

And it’s weird….

Cos I’ve been free

Technically 

For a while

But today…

It’s deeper freedom…..

Genuine…..

And I’m alright with it…..
Today I had my daughter’s

Bat Mitzva party

(a party when a girl turns 12)

And I knew I’d have to face 

The people who hurt me

The people who broke me

The people who kidnapped my 

Own daughter off me…..

I didn’t know how I’d face them….

But as a mum

There was no option. 

I had to be there

All 2 1/2 hours of it.

And it was hellish

Walking in….

I was fighting my tears

Holding back tightly

Choking back the pain

Threatening to suffocate me……

Looking around 

So many people

People I hadn’t seen in so long

People who caused me 

So much heartache

People who made me consider

Giving up

Thinking life wasn’t worth living

When I was in so much distress…..

How I walked in is beyond me….

But I had to….

I’d planned how to deal with it

How i would cope with it

But walking in felt different

Harder than I ever imagined….

I didn’t think.

I blocked it out.

Switched by brain off

For a few moments 

And did what i had to.

Braced

Cold

Shaky

Brave

Strong

Don’t cry

Don’t break

Don’t let anyone say

Anything 

Don’t let them know

How broken you feel 

How this is the last place 

You want to be….

How different 

You feel

Out of place 

Worlds apart….

Lives apart….

It’s my old life

The one I left behind…..

It was so strange…..

The environment was odd

Girls only

Not used to that…..
It was pink and frilly 

Every girl’s dream….

It was like a pretense

Fairytale land 

Away from reality

The entertainment

Dancing

Food

Well organised….
A sister came over to me

I barely recognised her….

She had lost weight

And looked different….

Trying to be friendly 

She said hi how are you

And my initial reaction was

Unsavoury 

“How fucking DARE you ask that???

How the hell do you think I am???

You’re acting like her mum

When I’m her mum

And I hate you for the vile 

False allegations you wrote about me

And gave to Court about me!!!”
Instead I kept my facial expression

Civil

Cold

Unmoved

And mumbled “fine”

And walked away.

I couldn’t pretend

We were ok 

I wasn’t about to be nice to 

People who hurt me so deeply….
I’m not hateful….

Or vengeful…..

I forgive people

Who cause me pain…..

But with them they stepped over 

The invisible mark

So I’m totally done.

Forever. 

Yes…

Forever…..
The next sister came over 

Hi How are you 

Have a hot dog

Bla bla

“No”

Walked away.

Again.

She was the worst one.

She took me to court 

Stood in court

Against me

On the same side as my ex…..

Forgive her???

My arse.

Unforgivable.

Who takes their sister to court

For custody of their child????

Who makes vicious allegations 

Against a sister 

Knowing full well that were false….

And now she’s standing here 

In front of me 

Asking how I am….

Omg omg 

What

The 

Actual

Fuck!!!!
Third sister comes over. 

She’s nothing to do with 

What happened 

But I feel uneasy.

I’m polite 

Give her an air kiss

And ask why she came all the way 

As she lives so far.

We talked all of 30 seconds 

Perhaps.

I had nothing to say to her …

And I don’t trust her 

Or any of them anymore……

How can I?
I know they discuss me

And whatever I do or say 

Will be the topic of conversation 

And so I keep quiet….

And sit in a corner

Taking pictures 

Videos

Trying to focus

On my stunning daughter

And making sure she’s okay….

I felt so irrelevant….

Why was I even there??

They took over all the tasks

And preparations

And I just kept to myself. 

I was texting a close friend 

Telling him how broken I felt 

And how I wanted to run away

And break down 

And he was amazing…

We spoke and he stayed

On the phone with me 

For a while

Till I felt a bit stronger….

At one point they were 

Taking pictures 

In a photo booth

Screaming 

Having fun 

Laughing

Jumping up and down 

Being crazy

And as I walked past 

They called me to join them.

I literally couldn’t believe it

Why would I want to be with 

Haters

People who broke me

And I look …..

They are smiling 

Thinking “she will come over 

And it will all be okay and 

Back to

Normal…..”

But that’s not what happened…..

I shook my head marginally

Not making eye contact……

And walked away

Not making a scene…..

Just quietly moving away…..

Maybe they will finally 

Realise they have hurt me 

Beyond repair…

And even if they ask for

Forgiveness

Which they never have done 

I couldn’t grant it…..
At the end of the party

I saw my sisters chatting

Their backs to me

And a huge wave of 

Realisation hit me 

Hard……
All the months

All the time 

All the tears

All the pain 

They put me through…..

It was over….

I felt nothing for them…

No bond

For they had broken it….

And we were no longer

Siblings

Sisters

Those relationships are over…..

And although it should hurt

I just feel

Relief

And a huge sense of 

CLOSURE…….

The maybes

The what ifs

The worries 

It was all over…..

I’m a woman with 

One brother now

And that’s it.

I used to have 9 siblings 

Now I have only one….

And It’s okay…..

They can’t hurt me 

Anymore

As they are strangers 

To me now 

And I am done….
So now yes tonight

I made peace 

Finally

With the people 

Who used to be 

My family

As they are no longer

Entitled to call themselves 

My family…..

Families don’t fuck 

Each other over so

Painfully…..
They have lost the 

Privilige of calling me

Their 

Sister……

And I’m okay with it….

Genuinely…..

And I’m happy….

And relieved……

At peace….

This hellish chapter

Of my life 

Is finally 

Over

For good……

Shocking…. How Match-Making happened In My Life

​Something about the way she walked

I knew it was her.

Was it the mid calf skirt?

The thick brown stockings?

The old school style of navy shoes

Only worn by Hasidic women?

Perhaps the pillar box hat

Perched on her unyielding wig?

The colour of her wig

Dirty blonde it’s called, apparently. 

The hat was raised and dark navy

With a gold clasp at the back.

I knew the type.

The pitying glances

Sad eyed looks thrown at me

Head tilted to the side

Mumbling tttt tttt

With a weird clucking sound 

Made with the teeth and lips.

Looking down at me

Judging 

Asking 

Are you really happy 

And all that shit….

As if it wasn’t possible to leave

The cult like world 

And be happy

Truly

Deeply 

Happy……

I walked quicker wanting to catch up with her

Wanting to know if it was her

It was a time from my past

And it was making my heart beat fast

Way too fast.
Is it her?

She actually exists???

I’m not imagining this.
I catch up with her

At the next traffic lights 

Waiting to cross the road…..

I turn to her

She has no idea it is me

And I smile awkwardly

Still working it all out 

In my head.
There she is.

The matchmaker.

Wow.

It really is her.
I turn away 

But something inside me 

Keeps making me turn back

She is oblivious

To the turmoil in my head.
I want to shout

Scream

Shake her

Tell her what she did

But I’ve got my dignity

My pride

And strong willpower

So I simply 

Walk away.
Sitting in my car a few moments later

And I’m taken back. 

I was just 19 

Told to go to this certain address

To meet the matchmaker. 
I had heard her name

But it meant nothing to me.

I was warned…

Dress well

Wear make up

Not too much…mind…

Not too little.

Wear heels.

Oh no. Not heels.

You are tall already

So you will look weird

And guys don’t like girls too tall.

Tie your hair back.

It’s down to your waist?

Why?

Maybe cut it.

Maybe tie it back 

Maybe 

Omg 

Omg

The list was endless.

Be polite

But have character. 

Some character 

Not too much. 

Wear black

It’s slimming.
Skirt should be covering your knees

But not like the really long skirts you wear.

Haven’t got one?

Maybe just roll it up at the waist.

But it makes me look pregnant?!?!

Better than looking like a shiksa

And she knows your not pregnant.
Shake her hand.

Sit up straight.

Make eye contact.

Not too much

It looks creepy.
What size is your skirt?

You mean you are that fat???

No guy will wanna even meet u that size.

Why haven’t you lost weight?

Why are you answering me back?

Rule number 1

Don’t ever argue

Smile politely

Yes please no thanks

And I promise you will meet 

Your “bashert”.
Be on your best behaviour.

Let me know how it goes.

Walking into her house 

I remember the smell

Vividly

Musty books

Mixed with the smell of cooking 

Shabbat foods

And the place was huge 

But totally falling apart.

I knew she had many kids

So the size of the house

Made sense.
Kids were everywhere

All ages

All stages. 

She looked me up and down.

Talk about feeling like a piece of meat

Like a commodity.

Not a good feeling.
We spoke…. 

Or rather she spoke

And I listened 

For a while.

She asked me what I was looking for.

It all seemed so bizarre…
She asked me why I had left sem after

Just one of the two year course.
I couldn’t exactly tell her the truth!

“The rabbi didn’t want me back 

As I was asking too many questions

And he thinks I’m an apikorus!!”
Wouldn’t have gone down well.
So I changed the story.

“I decided one year was enough

As I want to start working.

I need to save up money 

In order to get married”.

Sounded good. 

She totally bought it!!!
At the end of the meeting she said

“You are not the slimmest

Or prettiest girl on my books and 

You have no special yichus (lineage)

Your parents are both BT

So you can’t be fussy.
I’m gonna have a think 

And will contact you.

Thanks for coming. 
And then the words that angered me most 

“You have really made the best of what you have”
That left me speechless.

OMG

WTF

She didn’t just say that…..

Did she?????
And so she would call me

With ridiculous suggestions…..

Remember I wasn’t allowed to be fussy

I should just be grateful that 

Anyone would consider me!!!!
And so that was how 

Matchmaking happened for me.

She wasn’t the one who 

Set me up with my ex in the end btw.

But this was genuinely what happened and 

What probably still happens now….