It’s hard to be like everyone else when you’ve been in an abusive relationship for so many years.
When dating again it’s hard to know who is genuine and wanting the same things as you and who is after a quick fling or a one night stand. This takes time to work out.
But I have realised that what I find hardest of all is believing that someone could actually want to be with me. That someone wants to spend their time with me doing all sorts of stuff.
I’m also aware that I’m carrying baggage and I have to differentiate between what is happening now and what has happened previously that is affecting how things are going now.
And it’s exhausting. The emotions I go through every time we meet up and the second guessing… the fears and mental somersaults my brain does is utterly draining.
And no one can change that. I have to start believing that he wants me for me. And to be honest with how I’m feeling and why certain things will trigger me.
For example in my last relationship the person I was with let me down hundreds of times. He would say he’d be there at that time or meet up at that place or come over at a certain time. And inevitably it would never happen. He always had excuses afterwards but I got so used to it that I stopped getting ready to go out or fell asleep knowing he wouldn’t turn up anyway.
So now if I get let down my mind goes to all sorts of dark places. And I know it’s not his fault. It’s my past experiences that have made me react with feelings of frustration and sadness. And automatically I assume he doesn’t want to spend time with me, not taking in what was actually said – that he would be working.
As a deep thinker and someone who is super analytical it works against me as my mind second guesses everything and goes to negative places to protect myself from getting hurt.
And whilst this is all understandable, it can also be detrimental to a new dating relationship. So I am aware of these things and I do ask for help when I need guidance.
Bottom line is communication. Being open and honest with the person you’re dating and letting them know why certain things make you feel a certain way. And only then can you potentially move forward.
Also knowing my worth and believing that someone does indeed want to be with me for genuinely good reasons is so reaffirming.
With time I am sure things will get easier as long as I am honest about how things affect me. And as long as the right person is willing to work with me.
I feel proud of where I am now considering where I started 5 years ago. These days I won’t put up with any man messing me around and I’m extremely wary of letting someone in my life so I have to truly trust them. And I am able to say what I want and need in a relationship so it’s not just what they want.
And I’m sure for many people that seems like a small thing but for me it’s not. Being able to say no or I’m not feeling it and don’t want to meet again is empowering.
I hope one day I’ll be able to share with you how I have found a wonderful person who accepts me warts and all and that for the first time I feel loved. Wouldn’t that be wonderful!!