Stamford Hill and The Pressures of Modesty for Women

The last event I attended in Stamford Hill was one like the one this woman writes about. I was asked to come dressed appropriately and covered up which I would have done anyway. I was even told that I needed to cover my hair despite the fact I was divorced and this is not necessary according to Jewish law.

I had countless texts and phone calls prior to this event when the parents (my sibling and her husband) kept asking for photos of what I would wear and wanted to vet me and check it would fit their list of what was acceptable. Of course I’d have gone with appropriate attire but the pressure was so intense and was too much for me.

At the event itself I was looked at from head to toe by pretty much every single person there. I was taken aside by members of my own family who had questions about why I just couldn’t wear a wig (I’d already donated mine to other women in the community).

That night I decided I would never attend an event in Stamford Hill again. I shouldn’t have to justify the denier tights I’m wearing or why I’m wearing 3/4 length T-shirts not ones till the wrist. And the insistence of me covering my hair was ridiculous.

I respect people.
I respect their community.
But they will never respect my life and my choices.

So I’ve never been back.

#stamfordhill #hasidic #jewish #ultraorthodox #modestfashion #honor #shameful The Jewish News #weddingday

“My Husband is my Boss” – is this mentality dangerous?

Could you be like this woman?? I can’t think of anything worse! It might just be my own personal experiences that make me cringe and worry for people who subjugate themselves and blindly follow what they’re told.

She might have the best marriage and a man who doesn’t take advantage of her loyalty and support of everything he says. I just couldn’t do it. Period.

#bekind #religion #islam #christianity #culture #abuse #survivor #domesticabuseawareness #domesticviolence #couplegoals #men #women #andrewtate #mentalhealth #judaism #anxiety #relationshipgoals #marriage #wedding #couplesgoals #danger #narcissisticabuse #survive #king #queen #love

“Please stop calling my Haredi son’s marriage an “Arranged Marriage”

Umm 🤔 why not??? Let’s be honest and open and stop sugarcoating what is happening with young people in haredi and hasidic communities.

I have so much to say on this. She’s literally contradicting herself several times saying it’s not an arranged marriage. But then says a matchmaker is involved, they had only a few meetings before getting engaged etc.

I find her attitude towards those who date to get married and have kids in the secular world jarring. We all ask – yes even on dating apps – what they want out of it. If they want or have kids. If they want marriage etc.

She seems to be hugely offended by the term “arranged marriage”. And claims that it’s different in her son’s community as he’s a baal teshuva. Sorry hun but I’m the daughter of both parents who are BT and that’s just not the case.

If there’s a matchmaker involved and they get engaged it’s an arranged marriage.

Clearly parents can’t fix you up if they are outside the community. So the shadchanim or someone else does. And yes of course children of BTs are fixed up by parents!

She herself commented that they were ‘fixed up’ together – so how is that not ‘arranged’??? And what pool of young women was felt appropriate for him???

This woman means well but is literally contradicting herself throughout and it’s frustrating to read.

Happy Father’s Day – is it Really Happy? Painful? My Story 🥺

Now that Father’s Day is over I wanted to send love and peace to all of us who either haven’t got a father, who have lost their dad, whose father was never around and to those of us who will never receive a phone call from their dad.

My father expects his kids to do the calling and always said “they know where to find me”. I can’t understand that mentality.

It’s been years since we last spoke or saw each other and unfortunately it’s been a rocky ride from day one. I’d love to say he’s been the best dad – the way so many of you are able to – but with so many kids, so little time and money, he wasn’t emotionally available to me. And he never protected us. That hurts.

Father’s Day comes and goes, year in and year out and nothing changes. And I doubt it ever will.… unless I make the initial contact and keep doing that. But don’t we all just want our parents to contact us from time to time? Maybe it’s just me.

Happy Father’s Day to all those dads who are there for your kids and who you love unconditionally. For me it was very much conditional. Once I left their way of life I was an outcast and stopped being part of the family.

Weddings happen.
Bar mitzvah’s come and go.
Babies are born.
Relatives get engaged.
A child is very unwell.

And I know nothing about any of this unless its told to me by someone who happens to mention it and expects me to know. It’s always awkward.

My dad is having a big 70th birthday event in a few days and I knew nothing about it. I only found out when someone asked me for a phone number of a relative to invite them to the party. No consideration for how that would make me feel.

I don’t know why I expect anything else. It’s been like this for years. It’s just tough sometimes… the only photo I have of the two of us and my mother is this one which was taken when I was just 19 and getting married… “You’re welcome to her” he quipped as the wedding ended.

So. Yup. It’s been a hell of a ride for decades and I’m off the train. My number has never changed. ”He knows where to find me”. But he never will. And I’ve accepted it.

(Faces blurred as this is a public post).

#HappyFathersDay #fathersday #fatherhood #parenting #abuse #children #mentalhealth #cult #wedding #marriage #divorce #unconditionallove #sad #disappointed

“Kol Kevudah” New Initiative Seeks to Increase Tzniyus (modesty) in Shoe Stores

I don’t know what to say. This makes every part of me cringe. It’s just uncomfortable for so many reasons…. To think that a shoe store owner feels like this is really yuk. Focus on your job not leering at women!

“The poster, written as a poem, states that while the store owner does his best to provide customers with a nice pair of shoes, “but something’s on my mind, I struggle too… I struggle daily with Shmiras Einayim.”

“The view that I have as I crouch on the floor, As I fit your child with one pair of shoes or more. When you cross your legs, the truth I do say, If you knew how it looks you wouldn’t sit that way!”

Matchmaking in the Orthodox Jewish and the Muslim Communities

I don’t think I can cringe any more if I tried!! It’s butt-cheek clenching yikes cringe level!!

Subject – Matchmaking in the Muslim and Ultra Orthodox Jewish communities.

Describing a “class society where classes don’t mix” is just so wrong on so many levels. And saying a daughter of a Rabbi can’t marry the son of a Grocer!! Oh… unless he’s a “good learner and educated in the Bible”.

Even I could do a better job explaining the process, and that’s saying something!!!!

I found it interesting how the Muslim matchmaker said what’s important is not to do with class but where they are in life and if their lives align. And it seems like online dating is more acceptable whereas in the hasidic and haredi communities not everyone is online.

What’s the Name of the Jewish New Year?!? Comedy Gold!!

This happened on Saturday on the BBC on the Michael McIntyre show called The Wheel. Enjoy!!

WATCH: Rav Yitzchak Berkovits on Chaim Walder: ‘Narcissism at its Best’

It’s so sad and disappointing that I’m still having to deal with ignorant and disgusting comments on the Walder SA/r*pe situation.

Sadly it doesn’t shock me. I’ve been receiving so many on here and on my WordPress blog page too. Fortunately I have the option of allowing them to be posted or not. And I’ve left them in my inbox and won’t be posting them.

The sad thing is that it’s people who cannot grasp the truth – that the person they admired and looked up to – was capable of such heinous crimes against so many girls and women.

Just saw this video link sent by a follower (thank you!) and it gave me hope that there may be a shift in how the frum community deal with SA. Might be a tiny shift. But a shift nonetheless.

Here’s a small part of what he says so you can get an idea of how he speaks about it all. However I’d urge you to watch the entire video which is less than half an hour.

Definitely worth the time even if it’s just to know you’re not alone and CSA has to start being taken seriously. And victims need to start being believed.

#chaimwalder #PeopleSpeak #painful #mentalhealth #parenting #support #kids #kidsspeak #walder #suicide #school #frum #Rabbi #abuse #Israel #MeToo #believevictims

Are Things Changing Now We Know Chaim Walder was a Rapist?

TW ⚠️ Walder, CSA, Suicide

I’ve reread the post I wrote after I heard of the young woman who couldn’t bear the pain and took her own life. She was one of CW’s victims.

While there’s always going to be those who say innocent until proven guilty and crap like that, let’s remember that he decided to kill himself rather than face up to what he did.

He had the chance to validate the pain he made these countless victims endured. He could have just been honest in his suicide note rather than make himself seem like a victim.

I might regret some of the language I used. But the feelings, the emotions, the anger, the sadness, the feelings of injustice are still there.

But something has changed.

I have suddenly noticed a large number of orthodox Jewish people and rabbis who have come forward and spoken out against what he did and in support of the victims.

And it reminds me of the Weberman predator, serving 103 years for horrific sexual crimes against a minor. And I remember the number of people who came out to support HIM. The queues went round the courthouse there were so many people from the orthodox Jewish community there.

Not to support this girl.
They came to support the rapist.

And then there was the rabbi who filmed countless women at the mikva baths. And the rabbi who groped a minor and got away with a short sentence for pleading guilty.

And no one believed the women and girls. I was one of the few voices shouting into the abyss. I felt like I was drowning and no one could hear me.

And now when I type CW’s name into any search engine, the things that come up are completely different. There’s been a change. It’s taken decades and lives have been lost in the process.

But finally we can see people in total despair not knowing how to talk to their kids about CW and why his books aren’t around anymore. They have to tak about things that break your heart and kids shouldn’t have to know about.

But perhaps it’s time to have these conversations with your kids. Maybe it’s time to be honest with them and tell them the basics – according to their age of course – about what is okay and what is not. And if anything happens they should tell you even if they’re threatened or bribed otherwise.

I remember when the world learned that there was a serious problem within the Catholic Church. That there were priests, heads of catholic boarding schools, who had abused so many children, mainly boys.

No one could believe it. But when one person comes forward you can think oh it’s just him. Then another one does the same. And then more and more people come out and tell the same story. And we can no longer say these men are all liars. Some predators ended up in jail. Others didn’t.

And a couple of decades later we are seeing the same thing happen in the orthodox Jewish community. It wasn’t enough for there to be a “Wall of Shame” on a website. It wasn’t enough to hear of people doing the worst things to little boys and girls.

But now I can see people coming to the painful realisation that the rabbi, the therapist, the camp leader, the author, the older mentors, even family members, are all a risk to our children. And we can no longer bury our head in the sand and pretend it doesn’t affect this community. It does.

And it hurts to realise that the people you so admitted and looked up to did the worse things imaginable to the most vulnerable people.

CW didn’t just groom the victims.
He groomed their families to trust him.
He groomed all of us who read his books.
He groomed an entire community.
He even groomed his poor wife and kids who believed him to be someone he wasn’t.

But now it’s time we saw change. Serious changes. It’s time to start believing victims and stop protecting predators and rapists.

It’s no longer the boogie man down the alleyway. It’s the monster who has permeated all of our lives in some way or another. Whether we read his books or know of someone who was affected by his actions.

I really hope the shift and the change will last. It’s about time it did. It’s time to stop blaming 8 year old girls for their abuse. It’s time to listen when a man tells you what happened to him in camp or in cheder. It’s time we changed things.

I should have been able to trust the male relative who thought it was acceptable to walk in on me in the bath and assault me. I should have been able to tell someone what was happening to me. But I couldn’t. I didn’t have the language and I knew that when he said “if you tell anyone about this they will never believe you”.

He was right.
No one did.
So I kept quiet.

CW’s death has – in a bizarre twist – made everyone realise that no one is trustworthy. And that’s the sad painful truth…..

Sorry for rambling…. But I had to get this off my heart as it feels heavy and hurts…

#mentalhealth #chaimwalder #walder #kids #support #parenting #sexualabuse #painful #sad #kidsspeak #PeopleSpeak #suicide #Shifra

Walder. The Monster. The “Rabbi, Therapist and Author”

TW ⚠️ CW SA CSA Suicide

I know this is going to sound as bad and harsh as I’ve ever been but I so wish I’d found his body and been able to kick it to the side or pushed it into a hole in the ground without the hype and possibility of huge numbers attending the funeral of a monster.

Of course I wouldn’t. It’s just how I feel. I know it’s not legal and I’d a criminal. But I’m just saying how I feel. What makes the hundreds who attended his funeral go to it? And why was there just a handful of people at the funeral of one of his victims?

I won’t be posting the audio of the threats he made as it’s really awful and full of threats and a sense of I’m able to get away with things based purely on who I am and the sense of entitlement of a rabbi over “a bunch of girls who no one will believe”.

I was so relieved that the main Bet Din Rabbi supported the victims and yet when it came to his burial why did so many turn up? And aren’t people who commit suicide not allowed to be buried like others in the cemetery? Or does that not refer to him?

The pain that the countless girls and women (and potentially boys too – I don’t know) have endured is heartbreaking…. Please please if you’re struggling please reach out to your local Samaritans, go to the ER, call someone to be with you, do something. We can’t lose more Shifras…..

I hope you’re finally at peace…. And I’m so sorry you have been let down so badly. You never deserved any of this. No one does.

Fuck. When will victims of child sexual abuse start being treated properly and not focus on the perpetrators? I heard some idiot say that this monster “was so traumatised by being told that this is all coming out that he had no option but to take his life”.

Sorry, what? Where’s your compassion for his victims and all victims of abusers worldwide? He had been abusing our kids for decades and got away with it. He’s just a coward who was too much of a wuss to own up to his crimes and do the time.

Don’t RIP. If there’s anything in the afterlife I hope he suffers the way he made his victims suffer. Please do NOT post any comments discrediting or questioning the victims’ authenticity and legitimacy.

And FFS please do NOT post any photos of the abuser.

#perpetrator #support #mentalhealthmatters #abuse #walder #children #survivor #author #chaimwalder #mentalhealth #orthodoxjews