I’m going to have a serious rant.
Today I was hurt. Some guy said really vile unkind things to me.
He was being totally insensitive about my looks and weight. And I’m going to be honest. I have insecurities about myself in that department.
And it’s not just me. Most women do. And some men too.
But with my background certain issues are going to be more painful than others. Many things I can laugh off. Many I can just say “oh whatever!” Or various obscenities!!
But this issue is a deep one. And I can’t work easily laugh it off and move on.
And I know women who are super pretty or slim who also have body image issues and so this is not just about me per se but about those who feel the need to be critical of other people’s looks.
It is so so unbelievable that anyone thinks it’s okay to comment in a derogatory manner to people about externalities. And so shallow.
There is so much more to me than how I look. If you don’t like the way someone is why don’t you just fuck off and cut contact rather than be hurtful blatantly to them???
I don’t get it.
And one thing I’ve realised today by speaking to a friend is that a guy who says nasty things to a woman about how she looks is so so incredibly unintelligent.
Have you got nothing better to say than “you are so fat” or “Who do you think you are? You think you’re so pretty and as a guy I can tell you you are as ugly as fuck”.
What the fuck.
Try and think of something…..anything…. that is more intelligent than these shallow remarks and more.
And one final point. No one is going to make me feel like shit anymore. Not him. No one. I will decide what emotions I’m going to use in my life and sadness and hurt won’t be wasted on wankers like these people.
This guy has been blocked everywhere and I will never allow someone who made me feel like this to come back into my life again.
And to my amazing guy friends I say this…. sometimes I see the huge number of men who are really awful nasty people and I want to hate guys. I really do!
But then I remember the genuine people in my life who are the nicest most loving kind guys on the planet and you restore my faith in mankind.
You know who you are and I love you all xx
A dear friend of mine went to a family engagement. His cousin got engaged and he wanted to celebrate the occasion with his nearest and dearest.
His family are ultra orthodox Satmer hasidim whereas he is not observant at all.
However as he has an young child he doesn’t make it obvious that he isn’t religious. It is obviously very apparent by his way of dress that he is ‘not like his family’ although to what extent they don’t know.
So he went to the Simcha dressed smart in a crisp blue shirt and grey suit. Shoes polished and shined too. He always dresses super sharp but this time he made the extra effort.
As soon as he walked into the hall he felt so uncomfortable it was painful.
No one talked to him.
No one even looked his way.
The father of the girl actually turned his head away when he wanted to shake his hand to wish him Mazel tov….
He only ended up staying 10 mins and couldn’t bear the pain so left.
He called me the next morning to tell me what happened and how hurt he is.
This guy is an amazing person…. a fantastic father and an all round thoroughly decent human being.
And yet because he wasn’t wearing the typical “hat and rekel” his family wear he was made to feel like an outcast and totally rejected…. so much so that he won’t go the wedding now as its too painful…
This is so heartbreaking. Why should anyone be made to feel like this??
Why do religious people reject their own flesh and blood for making different choices….
Please… please… consider what you are doing before rejecting and alienating your own flesh and blood…..
Is it worth it?
What are you gaining by turning your back on your brother?
Why are you ignoring your sister when she sees you in the street?
It is so painful to be treated like this and I just wish families thought about the pain they are inflicting on those they are supposed to love….
In the past couple of years I’ve got to know a lot of OTD people at varying levels and stages around the world.
I know I’m very vocal about religion etc and I’m taking that into consideration as I write this.
There are a group of people to whom this post is aimed. These are the younger “closet OTD” people mostly men who contact me.
I am just a regular woman living a very normal life. I’m not a professional in this field and nor am I a psychologist.
There are organisations out there that cater for those of you trying to break out of your faith who are there to assist in the transition and to support you in whichever way you need.
Although I can be a friend to some of you I can’t possibly be a friend or support to the huge number of people who get in touch with me.
Therefore, I would urge those looking to break free to contact Gesher EU or Mavaar here in London, Forward in Canada or Footsteps in NY. I’m sure there are other organizations around the world but I’m afraid I don’t know them.
The 3 I mentioned I know are fantastic and have been hugely helpful to a vast number of people at all stages of leaving.
If anyone knows any others please comment below.
One final point, often those younger men on the cusp of trying to move out message me relentlessly without understanding I have a life and kids and haven’t got the time to get involved. And so yes sadly if you persist after I politely asked you to stop messaging, I am forced to block all messages from you.
Thanks for understanding and I wish you all the luck in the world finding the happiness and freedom that works for you.
Shabbat shalom xx
P.S. Posting publicly on purpose.
Here’s something lighthearted!!
Typical scene right now at my religious dentist.
* Lady 1 reading the Binah.
* Lady 2 on her phone to her “goyta”!
* Lady 3 mumbling tehillim.
* Lady 4 scrolling through her sms on her kosher phone!
* Girl 1 reading the latest People Speak while peeping over at me
* Girl 2 next to me trying to peer over at my phone in obvious curiosity and seeing if she can read what I’m writing without me noticing. Sorry hun I can sense you. Good. Thanks for stopping. She’s moved places.
* Man 1 saying tehillim far too loud
* Man 2 on the phone to his wife
* Man 3 glancing through a chumash
* Man 4 smiling while reading an old “Der Yid” newspaper lying around
* Man 5 biting his nails while listening to a talk on his mp3
* Boy 1 reading a Rebbi magazine intensely
* Boy 2 annoying his little sister who is trying to watch the cars outside the window
And then there’s me! Minding my own business typing this while listening to Shape of You far too loud!! Just realised it’s the Omer. Ooops!!
So last night I was at a club in central London with a couple of friends.
I met up with a guy there I’ve known on and off for a few months.
Adam is a real gentleman, eloquent and simply charming. Oh and he’s super handsome too which is a bonus!!
He has an interesting and unusual look so we had discussed previously his heritage and mine.
He is half French and half Moroccan and I’m half British and half Lebanese which I guess gives me my very white complexion!!!
So we were chatting and noticed a lady near us suddenly snogging a friend of ours randomly which we found pretty funny!!
They had just been chatting and the next moment they were snogging and shit! It was intense albeit slightly uncomfortable for us to watch!!
As we stood there in obvious shock Adam says to me “oh that’s Lilli she’s Jewish”.
I asked how he knew and he said look at her she looks jewish!! “She’s not a very good Jew because what she’s doing is a big no no in their religion”!!
I suddenly thought of the number of Jewish people I’ve ever met and wondered how such a sentence can be uttered.
What do “all jews look like”???? Is it the typical long nose big eyes hunched demeanour big hair look???? The glasses and geeky look???? What did he mean?? I asked, but he couldn’t clarify. Said she just looks it.
Then he said to me “I don’t know much about Jews and Lilli is the only Jew I’ve ever met” !!!
I thought he knew I was from a Jewish background as my name is Esther and I’m either black or Jewish!!!!
So I had that moment.
Do I say anything or not??
I decided not to simply because I felt it was irrelevant and as I don’t identify with the faith it was unnecessary.
But I was thinking how odd it was to have this conversation about Jews assuming he wasn’t talking to one!!!
We are meeting again on Friday night and I’m thinking I’m gonna bring it up with him and see his reaction!!!
So you ended it.
It’s a relief.
That’s the truth.
For so many of us
We hold on to
Imagining things will
You know it never will
But you try
to make it work
Even though you know
You know there was
No interests in common
No real love
He knew nothing
About your life
Hopes for the future….
You didn’t chat.
But he was selfish.
Always about him.
And you listen
Cos that’s the woman you are
You take it all in…
You are there….
But your friends tell you
And it sucks to hear
But they are right
It’s a dream
There’s no relationship
Too many negatives….
And yet you hold on
In the hope
He will change
He will love you
He will actually care
He will start to listen….
And the frustration
That simmering sense of
How dare you treat me
How fucking dare you??
How have you become like this
It’s not you
You’re not desperate
And you’re becoming
So you call
And he starts ignoring you
And that’s the worst
But you make a decision.
I’m stepping back
You tell him.
I’m tired of fighting
I want you to fight
for me now…
And two days later
It’s all over.
He doesn’t fight
And you are done
Being the one
Now it’s over.
You think back.
What were the
Good times like
That’s when it hits you.
You can’t find any.
The attraction was minor
To say the least
The chats were all
He knew nothing at all
He spent time gambling
Instead of with you
He was cold
Would shut down
At the first sign of anything
And couldn’t communicate
He couldn’t open up
And you couldn’t
Open up to him…..
And now it’s peaceful
and all the worries
Have melted away.
Never will you act
like this again
Who didn’t deserve you
Didn’t appreciate you
Didn’t understand you…
Even though he claims
He loved you