Trusting Again after leaving an Abusive Marriage 

She turned around. 

Their eyes locked
She noticed his hair
His eyes
Their gaze lasting that
Bit too long.

She looked away
But felt compelled to
Check him out
She liked what she saw
And he too liked
What he saw.

Try acting cool
She tells herself
Hoping for him to come over
Wanting to find out
Who he is…

He’s talking to his friends
and she notices
His kindness
The gentleness
In his voice
His touch
On his friend’s shoulder…

He’s so different
From the guys I’ve known
She’s thinking to herself
As she tries to put him
Out of her mind
But she can’t.

A moment later
And he’s walking towards her
Her heart skips a beat
She’s sweating slightly
“Good evening. Great meeting you”
She stretches her hand out
He ignores and
Pecks her on her cheek.

“The pleasure is all mine”
She responds.

“Mark” he says.
“And you are”?
“Ellie” she stutters
“My name is Ellie”
“Nice name. You here on your own”?
“No. My friends are over there”
She points to the guys she came with
And there’s an awkward moment.

“I’d love to find out more about you
If that’s okay?”
She’s blushing
“I’d love that”
“Can I have your number please?
Or you can take mine instead”?

They exchange numbers.

That night she’s lying in bed
Thinking of Mark
Wondering what he’s really like.

Then she thinks
about her ex
The way he treated her
And the abuse she suffered
Over so many years…

Will she be to love anyone
Ever
Again?

Will she be able to trust
Anyone
Fully
Ever
Again?

Should she even date
Should she meet guys
Or should she protect herself
Save potential pain
Stay single?
She is confused
Her mind conflicted…

Suddenly she stops
And realises
He’s taken so much from her
He’s hurt her too much
But if she doesn’t try
To find love
And happiness
He will have taken
Even more from her
Than he has already.

She decides to take Mark’s call
Arranges to meet
The following week.

With hope in her heart
And a change in her mind
She falls asleep…

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Emotional Abuse and Turmoil 

She was a shell of a person 

No voice
No opinion
No thoughts …

He had taken it all away
Stripped her of everything….
Her self worth
Her confidence
Her whole being…

She couldn’t think
Without being told what to think
She couldn’t do anything
Without being told what to do
She needed him
Although she hated him…

He made her this way.
He groomed her
Moulded her the way he wanted
The way he expected
His woman to be….

But he took everything away from her
and left her with nothing…
He promised her the world
But stripped her naked
and void of her usual zest for life…

Her smile
Once glowing and real
Became fake and sad…
She would plaster a smile
On her face
Although her eyes told
A different story….

She stopped being herself
She became an extention of him
Knowing his every thought
And expectation…
And she followed all the rules
Exactly as he demanded…

She stopped realising the truth
Justified what he was doing
Blamed herself when things fucked up
Hurt herself when scared
Felt guilty when she got him angry
and even said sorry when he
Hurt her…

After all it was her fault
Wasn’t it?

Reminiscing….

For the 17 years

I was married
No one knew
What was happening
To me
And my kids.

No one knew about the
Horrors
The nightmares
The pain
The deep sadness
That was going on
Behind closed doors.

It was kind of
A game.
We never told anyone
And sadly
Learned how to
Pretend
That we were happy
That he was
A good dad
That he was caring
Supportive
Loyal
Loving
But in truth
He was anything but.

We obviously pretended
So well
That
Everyone thought
It was the truth.
And we were one
Happy family.

Looking back
In hindsight
There were red flags
Warnings
That perhaps if
I was older
I’d have picked up on.

But I was blind
Naive
And far too young.

Before we got married
There were a few incidents
Which made me
Fearful
Scared of the guy
I was dating
And scared of what
He was capable of.

He is a highly intelligent man
Very eloquent
Convincing
Patronising
And he would scoff
And mock
My thoughts and ideas
And I didn’t know
Who to turn to
For advice.

I felt stupid
He hadn’t really
Done anything
It was more a
Feeling
A sixth sense
Perhaps.

And as time
Moved on
The wedding date
Was closer than ever
And my mind
Was fucked up
I was in a mess.

I smiled through
My fears
Chatted to colleagues
Despite the anxiety
I was experiencing.
I covered up well
Too well.

I wanted it to be perfect.
To have a perfect
Life
Husband
Family
Home
And I felt if I acted
It may happen
In real life.

A month before the wedding
I knew it wasn’t good
I felt sickened.
He had started
Calling me names
Was critical of
My figure
In a disrespectful way
And I began to feel
Fear.
I was marrying
The man I was scared of…..

But I couldn’t tell anyone
and besides that
I couldn’t cancel
My wedding this late
In the day?
Or could I?

He started monitoring me
Where was I after work
What are you
Doing this evening
Why didn’t you
Pick up the phone when I called
Who called you just now
The questions
Went on and on.

I hadn’t done anything
Wrong
And yet
I felt like a
Criminal.

So…
The biggest mouth
In my family
The most outspoken
In my class
And yes it happened
To me.

He broke me down
Piece by piece
Chipping away
At my sense of self
My confidence.

He would criticise
Anything I did
And he’d expect me to
Come to meet him
For a drink or meal
And if I was even
One minute late
He would get angry at me.

The whole time
I kept thinking
It will get better
When we are married
It will be perfect.
Like in my dreams.

Sometime
We want to dream
Nice dreams
And instead
It’s a nightmare
You wake up
Shaking
Bathed in sweat
And glad it was just
A nightmare
And not reality.

But my nightmare
Never stopped
I never woke up
It was there
Every day
Every night
Year after year
Getting worse and worse.
Hell.

Even nowadays
I have dreams
That wake me up
Terrified
And I remember
The horrors
Of my marriage
The suffering
I endured
The pain my kids went through ….

But I wake up
And it takes me a moment
To remember
It’s over
He’s gone
And it’s time to
Rebuild our lives….

With tears
And pain
I write this
So others don’t feel
So alone
And will reach out
For help…

Guys who insult women’s looks are unintelligent  (and vice versa)

I’m going to have a serious rant.

Today I was hurt. Some guy said really vile unkind things to me. 

He was being totally insensitive about my looks and weight.  And I’m going to be honest. I have insecurities about myself in that department. 

And it’s not just me. Most women do. And some men too.

But with my background certain issues are going to be more painful than others. Many things I can laugh off. Many I can just say “oh whatever!” Or various obscenities!!

But this issue is a deep one.  And I can’t work easily laugh it off and move on.

And I know women who are super pretty or slim who also have body image issues and so this is not just about me per se but about those who feel the need to be critical of other people’s looks.

It is so so unbelievable that anyone thinks it’s okay to comment in a derogatory manner to people about externalities.  And so shallow.

There is so much more to me than how I look.  If you don’t like the way someone is why don’t you just fuck off and cut contact rather than be hurtful blatantly to them???

I don’t get it.

And one thing I’ve realised today by speaking to a friend is that a guy who says nasty things to a woman about how she looks is so so incredibly unintelligent.  

Have you got nothing better to say than “you are so fat” or “Who do you think you are? You think you’re so pretty and as a guy I can tell you you are as ugly as fuck”. 

Like.

seriously. 

What the fuck.

Whatever. 

Try and think of something…..anything…. that is more intelligent than these shallow remarks and more.

And one final point.  No one is going to make me feel like shit anymore.  Not him. No one. I will decide what emotions I’m going to use in my life and sadness and hurt won’t be wasted on wankers like these people.

Hell. No.

This guy has been blocked everywhere and I will never allow someone who made me feel like this to come back into my life again. 

And to my amazing guy friends I say this…. sometimes I see the huge number of men who are really awful nasty people and I want to hate guys. I really do! 
But then I remember the genuine people in my life who are the nicest most loving kind guys on the planet and you restore my faith in mankind.  

You know who you are and I love you all xx

Don’t reject your siblings because s/he isn’t religious….

A dear friend of mine went to a family engagement. His cousin got engaged and he wanted to celebrate the occasion with his nearest and dearest.

His family are ultra orthodox Satmer hasidim whereas he is not observant at all.  

However as he has an young child he doesn’t make it obvious that he isn’t religious.  It is obviously very apparent by his way of dress that he is ‘not like his family’ although to what extent they don’t know.

So he went to the Simcha dressed smart in a crisp blue shirt and grey suit. Shoes polished and shined too. He always dresses super sharp but this time he made the extra effort. 

As soon as he walked into the hall he felt so uncomfortable it was painful.

No one talked to him.

No one even looked his way.

The father of the girl actually turned his head away when he wanted to shake his hand to wish him Mazel tov….

He only ended up staying 10 mins and couldn’t bear the pain so left.

He called me the next morning to tell me what happened and how hurt he is. 

This guy is an amazing person…. a fantastic father and an all round thoroughly decent human being.

And yet because he wasn’t wearing the typical “hat and rekel” his family wear he was made to feel like an outcast and totally rejected…. so much so that he won’t go the wedding now as its too painful…

This is so heartbreaking. Why should anyone be made to feel like this?? 

Why do religious people reject their own flesh and blood for making different choices…. 

Please… please… consider what you are doing before rejecting and alienating your own flesh and blood…..

Think. 

Is it worth it?

What are you gaining by turning your back on your brother?

Why are you ignoring your sister when she sees you in the street?

It is so painful to be treated like this and I just wish families thought about the pain they are inflicting on those they are supposed to love….

A message to young closet OTD people 

In the past couple of years I’ve got to know a lot of OTD people at varying levels and stages around the world. 
I know I’m very vocal about religion etc and I’m taking that into consideration as I write this.
There are a group of people to whom this post is aimed.  These are the younger “closet OTD” people mostly men who contact me.
I am just a regular woman living a very normal life.  I’m not a professional in this field and nor am I a psychologist.
There are organisations out there that cater for those of you trying to break out of your faith who are there to assist in the transition and to support you in whichever way you need.
Although I can be a friend to some of you I can’t possibly be a friend or support to the huge number of people who get in touch with me. 
Therefore, I would urge those looking to break free to contact Gesher EU or Mavaar here in London, Forward in Canada or Footsteps in NY.  I’m sure there are other organizations around the world but I’m afraid I don’t know them.
The 3 I mentioned I know are fantastic and have been hugely helpful to a vast number of people at all stages of leaving.
If anyone knows any others please comment below.
One final point, often those younger men on the cusp of trying to move out message me relentlessly without understanding I have a life and kids and haven’t got the time to get involved. And so yes sadly if you persist after I politely asked you to stop messaging, I am forced to block all messages from you.
Thanks for understanding and I wish you all the luck in the world finding the happiness and freedom that works for you.
Shabbat shalom  xx
P.S.  Posting publicly on purpose.