The pain of ending it…

He lay there

Cold as ice

While I lay

Next to him

Staring at the ceiling

Feeling broken

Knowing it was over

and he didn’t even care…

I was sobbing

Uncontrollably

Silently

While he watched tv

Chuckling

At the comedy show

He was watching

And my heart was

Breaking

Not understanding

How he had changed…

I looked at him

His eyes were

Glued to the screen

Maybe he didn’t want

to see me crying

Maybe he didn’t

Give a shit

I don’t know….

He had a smile

A small smile

But a smile nonetheless

And I got angry

How can you lie there

With that smug look

On your face

When you know I’m here

Next to you

Sobbing?

What the fuck is

wrong with you?

Nothing.

Absolutely

Nothing…

No reaching out

No gentle touch

No wiping my tears away

Nothing

Just silence

And the smug look….

That’s when I realised

I’m worth more

I deserve better

And nothing will ever

Make me love him

Again

The way I once did…

He was heartless

Selfish

Self absorbed

It was always about

Him.

Always

Him.

It was over.

I walked away.

Been a few weeks ago now.

Best decision ever.

Not easy

But the right thing to do…

For me

And for my future.

#domesticabuse #emotionalabuse #abuse #domesticviolence #sexualabuse #findinglove #love #lovepains #selfharm #gethelp #silent #silenttreatment

Advertisements

Passover and Friendship

Subject – pesach and friendship

This woman used to be my closest friend for many years. This text chat has left me wondering what she wants and where I should go with it. Advice please. It’s so confusing.

Let’s talk about domestic abuse

I know from my own experiences that sadly not enough people talk about domestic abuse as it’s somehow seen as shameful and weak to “have allowed it to happen us”.

But people who know me know that I’m a strong person who isn’t afraid of saying what I think and believe and it happened to me.

Yes I was ashamed.

Yes I felt like it was my fault.

Like I had somehow caused it.

Perhaps if I’d said or done things differently it wouldn’t have happened.

But that’s not how it works.

An abuser targets and grooms their victim.

They know who to target. I was a lot younger and had been abused as a kid so I was a perfect target.

And for all the years we were together I never said anything to anyone. I was ashamed and terrified.

And that’s what he wanted.

Today I’m no longer ashamed.

Today I will talk about it despite the pain it causes me because if it helps just one person it will have been worth it.

You made me believe I was fat and ugly all the years…

You told me I was fat

Convinced me I was ugly

Called me a bitch

A fucking c*nt

You never saw me without

Make up

You insisted I was

Revolting

And you would feel sick….

You made me believe

No one would ever

Love me

That I needed you

That I couldn’t live without you

I had to be with you

Forever

I should be grateful

To you

For putting up with me….

And I believed all of this

I believed all the bullshit

You told me

Over

And

Over again

Day

After

Day

Year

After

Year…..

For 17 years….

But you know what?

My boyfriend loves me

He prefers me

Without make up

I’ve never felt so loved

And wanted just for me

I can truly be myself.

And you know what?

I’m happy

I never thought I’d

Ever trust a man again

But I’m so glad I have done.

And now it’s 2.30am

And I’m not wearing

Make up

And I’m not that bad.

You made me believe

I was fat and ugly

But I no longer believe that.

Make-up less and hair up

Looking scruffy

But I’m in love and

I’m happy 😃

And now I’m crying.

Fuck.

Tears of relief.

It’s so hard to share such pain.

But if it helps anyone it’s worth it.

I never believed I’d love again.

And I have.

He chipped at me piece by piece….

When did the Abuse Start?

For the 17 years

I was married

No one knew

What was happening

To me

And my kids.

No one knew about the

Horrors

The nightmares

The pain

The deep sadness

That was going on

Behind closed doors.

It was kind of

A game.

We never told anyone

And sadly

Learned how to

Pretend

That we were happy

That he was

A good dad

That he was caring

Supportive

Loyal

Loving

But in truth

He was anything but.

We obviously pretended

So well

That

Everyone thought

It was the truth.

And we were one

Happy family.

Looking back

In hindsight

There were red flags

Warnings

That perhaps if

I was older

I’d have picked up on.

But I was blind

Naive

And far too young.

Before we got married

There were a few incidents

Which made me

Fearful

Scared of the guy

I was dating

And scared of what

He was capable of.

He is a highly intelligent man

Very eloquent

Convincing

Patronising

And he would scoff

And mock

My thoughts and ideas

And I didn’t know

Who to turn to

For advice.

I felt stupid

He hadn’t really

Done anything

It was more a

Feeling

A sixth sense

Perhaps.

And as time

Moved on

The wedding date

Was closer than ever

And my mind

Was fucked up

I was in a mess.

I smiled through

My fears

Chatted to colleagues

Despite the anxiety

I was experiencing.

I covered up well

Too well.

I wanted it to be perfect.

To have a perfect

Life

Husband

Family

Home

And I felt if I acted

It may happen

In real life.

A month before the wedding

I knew it wasn’t good

I felt sickened.

He had started

Calling me names

Was critical of

My figure

In a disrespectful way

And I began to feel

Fear.

I was marrying

The man I was scared of…..

But I couldn’t tell anyone

and besides that

I couldn’t cancel

My wedding this late

In the game?

Or could I?

He started monitoring me

Where was I after work

What are you

Doing this evening

Why didn’t you

Pick up the phone when I called

Who called you just now

The questions

Went on and on.

I hadn’t done anything

Wrong

And yet

I felt like a

Criminal.

So…

The biggest mouth

In my family

The most outspoken

In my class

And yes it happened

To me.

He broke me down

Piece by piece

Chipping away

At my sense of self

My confidence.

He would criticise

Anything I did

And he’d expect me to

Come to meet him

For a drink or meal

And if I was even

One minute late

He would get angry at me.

The whole time

I kept thinking

It will get better

When we are married

It will be perfect.

Like in my dreams.

Sometime

We want to dream

Nice dreams

And instead

It’s a nightmare

You wake up

Shaking

Bathed in sweat

And glad it was just

A nightmare

And not reality.

But my nightmare

Never stopped

I never woke up

It was there

Every day

Every night

Year after year

Getting worse and worse.

Hell.

Even nowadays

I have dreams

That wake me up

Terrified

And I remember

The horrors

Of my marriage

The suffering

I endured

The pain my kids went through ….

But I wake up

And it takes me a moment

To remember

It’s over

He’s gone

And it’s time to

Rebuild our lives….

With tears

And pain

I write this

So others don’t feel

So alone

And will reach out

For help…

Please feel free to share.

Was it love?

She was confused.

Did he love her or not?

He gave her her first mobile

So he must do…

He bought her

A gold bracelet

He must definitely

Love her.

But

She couldn’t understand

Why she felt this way…

He was her fiancée

She was his future bride….

Her head

Was a mess.

What does love mean

She wondered?

Did it mean

A new phone

Jewellery

Flowers…..

If it was those things

That was ok

But there was something

Wrong

Uncomfortable

Uneasy

about how she felt

When she was with him.

But she couldn’t

Tell him….

She was scared of

His reaction.

Scared she would

Be alone

Scared her friends would say

We warned you

We told u he was

Bad news…

So she didn’t

Say anything

To anyone…

And suffered

In silence.

the phone came

With conditions.

It’s only for us

He insisted

What about my

Friends and family

She asked

Cautiously

No.

No one

Not a single person

Just me and you

She didn’t understand

Why

It’s because

I love you

I want to be able

To contact you

Whenever

and whatever

So the line has to

Be free for me

He insisted

Once again he repeated

It’s cos I love you babe

I want to

Call or text you.

Her brain felt fuzzy

Her head was spinning

He must really

Love me

If he wants to

Contact me easily…

Part of her felt

Special

He wanted her….

At work

A friend asked

For her number.

She gave it.

Didn’t think much of it.

Later he tried calling

She was chatting

Till there was a beep

Her friend was trying to call.

The line went silent

Awkward silence

She waited for him

To talk

To say anything at all

But nothing.

Her heart was pounding

Her breathing

Shallow

She was shaky

Silence.

Then

You gave her your number?

Yes.

What did I tell you?

It’s just for me and you

Cos I love you

And want you

To myself

Why didn’t you listen

The questions were

Relentless

She had no answers

So just did what she had to

and apologised

Promised it would never

Happen again.

Her ego and pride got

In the way of

Telling anyone

What was going on

She couldn’t explain

That she was

Nervous of him

That he often made her feel

Scared.

This used to be fun

She thought

But now it’s not going well.

She had no one

To turn to

No one would

Understand

How he made her feel….

As always

He apologised

Said he was sorry

But nothing changed.

It never did….

I’m a Recovering Drug Addict. There. I said it. 

I’m a recovering addict of prescription drugs.

I didn’t admit this to myself until the addiction was out of control and my life was ruled by my heavy addiction.

 This is my story in brief.

In 2010 I became desperately ill and spent around 3 years in hospital barely going home during that time. I almost lost my life twice.

Being this unwell stemmed from the serious domestic abuse I suffered for 17 years while I was with my ex husband. Long story. 

 During that time I had over 100 surgeries to fix my broken body.

Obviously the surgeons needed a way to keep me pain free. That’s when I got hooked up to a morphine drip. Whenever I was in pain all I had to do was press the button and a dose would enter my blood stream through the central line.

I was also on Tramadol (for the pain)…. Cyclizine (anti sickness)…. Temazepam (sleeping tablets) and lots more. 

 Problems started when I finally got discharged and went home. I couldn’t deal with the pain. The doctors prescribed me all the meds and I took them all.

Not just the recommended dosage. Half a pill here. An extra pill there. I was doubling and trebling some doses. 

 I suddenly realised that as the pain reduced my reliance on the tablets became stronger. I started enjoying the high they gave me. Morphine was the best. It numbed me. I didn’t feel anything.
 

Whenever my ex did anything I’d immediatley go to my drawer and take a cocktail of pills and swallow them. I always felt better. They knocked me out. I would fall asleep and not have to think of what had happened to me. 

 I began lying to my Doctor telling him how much pain I was in…. begging him to renew my prescription over and over again. I cried. I did whatever it took to get the pills I needed.

I was hooked.
Totally hooked. 

 One day I read about morphine addicts and didn’t even realise this was me.

I wasn’t addicted. I needed them for medical reasons. 

I was in pain. 

 Or was I? 

 I read morphine was an opiate.

 Same family as heroine.

That moment.
That realisation.
That thunderbolt moment.

I’m an addict.
Not just any addict.
A drug addict. 

 I tried to wean myself off them.
I got the shakes. The sweats. Anger. Frustration. Serious withdrawal issues. I relapsed. Couldn’t do it. 

 This pattern continued for over 5 years.

Eventually with a huge amount of willpower and patience and having time to myself to go through the withdrawal process I managed to slowly cut down all the pills I was taking. 

 During this whole time no one had any idea what I was doing. It was a battle I was fighting on my own…. 

 Now it’s been almost 2 years and I have had no relapse. However I still find myself thinking of it every single day…. especially when I’m having a particularly difficult time.

But so far I’ve been able to stick to it. 

 I don’t think I will ever be free mentally from this serious addiction that controlled me for over 5 years but I have learned to live with it…. 

 This is the first time I have ever shared this with anyone…. feel drained….