The last event I attended in Stamford Hill was one like the one this woman writes about. I was asked to come dressed appropriately and covered up which I would have done anyway. I was even told that I needed to cover my hair despite the fact I was divorced and this is not necessary according to Jewish law.
I had countless texts and phone calls prior to this event when the parents (my sibling and her husband) kept asking for photos of what I would wear and wanted to vet me and check it would fit their list of what was acceptable. Of course I’d have gone with appropriate attire but the pressure was so intense and was too much for me.
At the event itself I was looked at from head to toe by pretty much every single person there. I was taken aside by members of my own family who had questions about why I just couldn’t wear a wig (I’d already donated mine to other women in the community).
That night I decided I would never attend an event in Stamford Hill again. I shouldn’t have to justify the denier tights I’m wearing or why I’m wearing 3/4 length T-shirts not ones till the wrist. And the insistence of me covering my hair was ridiculous.
I respect people. I respect their community. But they will never respect my life and my choices.
I can’t believe that in 2022 I still have to say this.
Domestic violence can affect anyone – including men. According to the CDC, one in seven men age 18+ in the U.S. has been the victim of severe physical violence by an intimate partner in his lifetime.
When it comes to domestic violence, the conversation typically focuses on women as victims and men as perpetrators. After all, women make up at least 85 percent of the victims, and most often at the hands of male abusers.
But this doesn’t mean that abusive female partners don’t exist; they do. They absolutely do.
One in 10 men has experienced rape, physical violence, and/or stalking by an intimate partner.
Although they make up a smaller percentage of calls to Domestic Violence helplines, there are likely many more men who do not report or seek help for their abuse, for a variety of reasons:
Men are socialized not to express their feelings or see themselves as victims.
Pervading beliefs or stereotypes about men being abusers, women being victims.
The abuse of men is often treated as less serious, or a “joke.” The truth is, abuse is not a joke, in any situation, between any two people.
All victims, regardless of gender, deserve support and resources to help them feel safe. If you are experiencing domestic abuse please reach out to your local police for help. Make sure they truly understand what you’re going through.
And don’t be ashamed to say “I’m a victim of domestic abuse and I need help”. Those words will change your life.
I am all too aware that getting the help you need is not easy – especially when people make assumptions that the woman is the victim because she’s smaller. Or because she can lie and fake tears.
I’m tired. I’m drained. My heart hurts for a family I care deeply about and whom all this applies to…. And shame on those who are helping the woman, knowing very little information and accepting what she says as facts.
YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE. YOU ARE A DISGRACE HELPING A PERPETRATOR AND NOT THE VICTIMS
I don’t think I can cringe any more if I tried!! It’s butt-cheek clenching yikes cringe level!!
Subject – Matchmaking in the Muslim and Ultra Orthodox Jewish communities.
Describing a “class society where classes don’t mix” is just so wrong on so many levels. And saying a daughter of a Rabbi can’t marry the son of a Grocer!! Oh… unless he’s a “good learner and educated in the Bible”.
Even I could do a better job explaining the process, and that’s saying something!!!!
I found it interesting how the Muslim matchmaker said what’s important is not to do with class but where they are in life and if their lives align. And it seems like online dating is more acceptable whereas in the hasidic and haredi communities not everyone is online.
This is Stan. I don’t know who he is but he is definitely someone who has strong opinions about this young man who is of Lebanese Muslim descent.
The way he speaks to Eliyah, originally called Ali Hassan, is absolutely disgusting. He is supposed to be an Orthodox Jew yet feels it’s okay to put this 23 year old down like this.
Mocking someone, calling them a “loser” or that he “needs to take his medication” is awful. To tell someone to shut up and stop talking is vile. If this Stan guy doesn’t want to listen to Eliyah, there’s an off button! Simple!
At 17 we all made mistakes. His one was a bigger one which spiralled. The fact was that he lied. That’s all. I think he’s genuine and I hope someone helps him out… he’s lost everything… his wife, his job, his friends and support system etc.
He has been open and honest about what he did that was wrong and I hope there’s a rabbi who will be able to convert him. My ex husband was a convert and it took over 2 years and that was without lies so it’s not a simple process….
It’s sad to see what’s happened to a young man who just wanted something that he couldn’t have and resorted to lying.
I find it so disturbing that he says he’s got countless serious threats to his life. He’s received very dark death threats and he fears for his life.
I hope his wife is getting the help she undoubtedly needs, and I hope he is also getting help for what he did and what lead him to lie to this extent.
Of course what he did was wrong and he has repeatedly apologised for it all. What does Stan and his ilk want from him?? How many more times can he keep apologising to his wife and family for what he did? And does it give anyone the right to say the things that this Stan guy says?
This is another caller called Judy who is just as bad as Stan, if not worse, as she is dismissive, patronising, puts him down in every possible way. Listening to her makes me feel ashamed to have ever been part of this world.
She doesn’t even let him speak, constantly interrupting him to the point where he becomes frustrated and defensive.
In all honesty it can be summed up as a mess! Aka a Sh-t show!!
Eliyah Hawila reportedly confirms to law enforcement he is not Jewish, and says he married Haredi woman to join the Jewish community. He says he always “felt Jewish and has a Jewish Soul”.
Hawila had reportedly given a convincing story as to why he was cut off from his family and had been affiliated with the Chabad Lubavitch branch in Texas for several years.
https://youtu.be/ak9r0p4DkTY – this is the full hour plus interview he did on a talk show. He was brave enough to take questions too.
Just a few weeks ago he married a woman who he found on the dating site “Met You At Sinai”. It seems strange that he was able to marry a Jewish woman of Syrian descent who spoke both Arabic and Hebrew fluently and no one checked to see who he really was.
Of course he is sad and seems very genuine in his desire to convert despite knowing that the Syrian community don’t accept converts. He wants to convert regardless of whether he is able to be with his estranged wife or not.
For me personally it’s not about religion. It’s about someone who has been dishonest about who he genuinely is and his background knowing that if people knew his name was Ali Hassan Hawila rather than Elijah Hawila, he would not be accepted. And that’s true.
Unfortunately his lying started off as a small lie but spiralled over a period of a number of years and everything about who he was was fake. Of course when you marry someone you should be looking into who they are and it’s sad that his wife’s family didn’t do that.
I found myself feeling compassion for him. However, at the same time I didn’t know what was true and what was another lie. I just don’t know what to believe. And that’s painful for him. No one knows what is true and what is yet more lies.
I genuinely wish him all the best and respect the fact that he went on a public show and told his story. Not many people have the courage to do that. I wonder what his future holds.
Having just come across this article I’m enraged. We can see that sadly because the Beth Din is made up of male Rabbis, they seem to only see things through the eyes of the husbands.
A woman who goes to the police for help because her husband is physically, emotionally, sexually or financially abusive shouldn’t be penalised.
Proving coercive control is incredibly difficult and to put another burden on the victim that if she (it’s usually the women but not always) goes to the courts about it she can be left chained to her estranged husband, without a Gett, forever. This is outrageous.
Saying you’re helping agunot (jewish women unable to be free of their husbands as they refuse to divorce their wives) and actually doing it is a different thing. What about the human rights of the victims? We need to stop protecting men who are abusers and begin thinking of how to help the women trapped and chained to their their husbands.
At the root of all of this is the terrible sexism and misogyny that exists in the Beth Din. The Chief Rabbi has said he will intervene and try to resolve this issue. I hope he does. This is unacceptable and has to be sorted out. We can’t have women chained for decades to their husbands. And we can’t allow women to be scared to go for help knowing if she does she won’t get her Gett.
I’ve just finished listening to a podcast for the second part of The Single Life, Tell All which airs on Discovery +
I was very moved by what the guys said at the end about Liz and how to support someone you know who may be in the kind of abusive relationship it seems she’s in with Ed.
They made a comment about not blaming or questioning why someone has stayed so long or keeps going back etc. It really touched me and I wanted to share why.
As a survivor of domestic abuse, aka Intimate Partner Violence, with the father of my kids whom I was married to for 17 years, I have these kind of questions asked of me all the time. I never told anyone what had been going on all those years so when it came out and he was arrested I felt like I was made to defend myself.
“Why did you stay so long” “Why didn’t you tell anyone” “Why didn’t you leave the first time you felt abused” “I understand a year or two. But 17??” “Why, why, why, why…..”
What people who haven’t experienced this personally or seen it close up don’t realise is the grooming, control, manipulation, ostracising you from everyone who cares about you, coercion etc etc that happens gradually over time. And if you are young, I was just 19 and he was older at 27, you don’t necessarily know what red flags are or what the warning signs are.
And once you are aware about what is happening you may have kids, you may have been told “I love you so much, you don’t need to learn to drive. I’ll take you anywhere you need” thereby ensuring you’re trapped if you want to leave quickly or get help.
The abuser may have disabled your phone or locked doors to trap you inside. They may have told you countless times how “you’re lucky I’m with you. No other man would want to be with a fat, ugly disgusting person” etc. You’re made to feel grateful that they’re with you because after all no one else would want to be. Or at least that’s what you’re made to believe.
I always feel hurt and defensive when I’m asked why I didn’t get out earlier and other things like that. I realise that I cannot explain why in a matter of a text or a short conversation. If someone asks then they just don’t get it. And I don’t need to educate everyone. There’s enough information online to educate yourself rather than put the onus onto the victim or survivor.
To me it feels like I’m being asked how stupid can you be that you allowed it to go on for so long…. how much of an idiot can you be not to have left after the first couple of times you were abused… and I know I’m not stupid. I was simply groomed and isolated, had my money taken etc.
Even money I got from doing private lessons would have to be hidden in a drawer away from him. But sadly when I was in hospital for years on and off for months at a time, he found the money I saved to leave him and stole it. He proudly told me about it as I was hooked up to machines in hospital unable to move. That’s how vile these people can be.
So please, please don’t blame the victim and make them justify why they stayed with their abuser for a certain amount of time or why they keep going back. The mental abuse and the feeling of needing to be with them because you’ve been brainwashed to believe you can’t live without them is so difficult to comprehend.
Just be a support. Tell them you’re there when they are ready to leave. Ask what it is that might be keeping them, such as financial issues, and see if you’re able to help. Make sure they know they are not alone and you’re not judging them and they’re done nothing wrong other than to fall for the wrong person. Give them contact information for charities or shelters that can help them when they’re ready.
I hope this helps someone understand more about people they care about. Of course this post is my own experience only but it’s an insight into how it might be for someone you care and worry about.
I present to you the Bais Din that harbors Meir Kin and other Get refusers. Do we trust rabbanim that blackmail and sexually coerce women instead of trying to help them get a Get?
🛑 Meir Kin, I know you are reading this. You can no longer hide behind your false frumkeit and false Bais Din. Admit that your one goal is to control and take vengeance on Lonna who just wants her freedom. It’s been 17 years. You’re already remarried.
I am warning you Meir. We have a lot more dirt on you and Rabbi Gestetner’s Bais Din. Do what’s right and just free Lonna already. You can go back to a private life!
🛑 Rabbi Gestetner’s Bais Din, we will not stand for this perversion of Torah.
This Sunday, April 25th at 8:30pm, let’s join together and rally outside this “Bais Din” located at 7 Mosier Court, Spring Valley, NY. No longer will we be silent as our Bnos Yisroel are tortured and abused. We need to draw a line in the sand right here and right now.
Diary of an OTD Girl 