I said I was busy. I wasn’t.

I said I was okay

I wasn’t.

I said I was busy

I wasn’t.

Well I kinda was.

But not the way you think.

I was busy

Hiding under my duvet

Crying

Lost

Alone

Wishing the day to be over.

I was busy

Doing nothing.

I was busy

Just

Trying

To survive.

I’m sorry I said I was busy

But you know me by now.

You know my struggles

My #mentalhealth issues

My fight to overcome #depression.

Sometimes I wanna say

I’m sorry for being me.

#mentalhealthweek #mentalhealthmonth #PTSD #mentalhealthawareness

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Mental Health Struggles

My heart is racing

My mind numb

I want to write

But my head is saying

Stop

Don’t do this

Just go to sleep

It will be okay

Tomorrow.

That’s what I always told myself.

It will be okay tomorrow.

But it wasn’t.

It never was.

Sleep gave me a few hours respite

When the tablets worked

But waking up groggy

Gave me a shit start to my day.

The depression was still there

It never stops

It follows me

Everywhere

Constantly.

Even when I should be happy

It prevents me feeling

True happiness.

Fearful

Anxious

Sad

For no apparent reason.

I know I’m rambling.

That’s how my mind is

Right now.

A mess.

A fucking mess.

I’m frustrated

But I don’t know why.

I should be sleeping now

Resting before a busy day

At work tomorrow

But I can’t relax

There’s too much going on

In my mind.

But it make no sense.

Tonight I felt so sad

I don’t know why.

I don’t want to talk to anyone

I don’t want anyone to know

I feel ashamed

As though I’m mad

And not normal

Whatever normal is.

I want everything to be okay

I want everyone to think

I’m doing well.

And I am.

In so many ways.

So why do I feel like this?

Why is my mind like this

Why is my heart heavy

Why are these tears

Rolling down my cheeks

And I’m too drained.

I let them roll

And don’t wipe them away.

I want to taste the pain

The sadness I feel.

It feels real.

I hate feeling like this.

I just want to be okay

I want to feel normal.

So I turn the music on

Loud

Too loud

And try to get absorbed in it

And try to get some sleep.

#mentalhealth #mentalhealthmonth #depression #insomnia

#MentalHealth Awareness Month

Trigger Warning ⚠️

She took a razor and

Put it on her skin

Her arm felt cold

But she felt desperation

Desperate to feel the relief

The pain

See the blood

See her pain leave her body.

No one understood her

So she hid what she was doing

She was a master at covering up

All the scars

The cutting on her arms

Her legs.

Eventually she went to see her doctor

And burst into tears

Showing her bandaged arms

For the first time.

She was ashamed of herself

Felt lost

Out of control

But it made her feel good.

When she saw the cuts

She felt relief

She felt powerful

In control

And it was almost like

Watching the pain seep

Out her….

When she ran out of space

She knew it was time to get help

And she was put on medication.

After a few months of trying

Different combinations of pills

And struggling with the

Side effects

She began the long road

Back uphill.

There’s no shame to say

You’re depressed or anxious

That you’re self harming

PTSD

Phobias of all sorts

Mental health issues.

Please get the help you need.

Life will only get better….

#mentalhealthmonth #mentalhealth #suicide #depression #anxiety #selfharm #endtheshame #nomoreshame #endthestigma

Mental Health Awareness

Save a Life Today

She hides at home

Doesn’t want to see anyone

Doesn’t pick up the phone.

Is she okay?

He goes to the gym

He sweats buckets

He doesn’t talk to anyone

Is he okay?

She’s at work

She’s in her own world

Everyone thinks she’s happy

Is she okay?

He goes to school every day

Today he didn’t go

No one knows why

Is he okay?

Worried about someone?

Please

Pick up the phone

Make sure they are okay.

No luck?

Go to their home

See if they’re safe

That they are okay.

So many people are

Living with so much pain

Feeling hopeless

Suicidal….

Maybe your smile

Your greeting

Your phone call

Your knock on the door

Will save their life….

#suicideawareness #samaritans #depression #mentalhealthawareness #mentalhealth #savealife

 

I am strong. I did it.

For 17 years

I was always too

Too this

Too that

Too fat

Too lazy

Too big

Too loud

Too opinionated

Too outspoken

Too ugly

Too embarrassing

Too

Too everything

So I hid

I stayed indoors

Never went on the beach

Never went horse riding

Never did normal things

I just hid

I hid for fear of being shamed

For fear of him being

Embarrassed of me

So it was easier to just

Not

Go

Along.

Today I went on the beach

I went in a bikini

I went into the water

It was cold

No one was laughing

No one was humiliating me

No one stood horrified

No one did all the things

He said they would.

I felt the air in my hair

The water splash my body

The cold all over

But I felt warm

I felt empowered

I felt strong.

You tried to shame me

You tried to make me believe shit

You wanted me to stay with you

Despite all this

And yet here I am

On my own

On a beach

Far away from home

In the beautiful city of Rhodes

In sunny Greece

Saying fuck you

I’m okay.

Is there a Chabad house in Greece?!?

Mum – Esther you wanna come to us for the Seder?

Me – mum you know I don’t keep anything. No thanks.

So what you going to do?

I’m going away to Greece

Is there a chabad house there? You can go there for the sedorim

I have no intention of going to a chabad house or doing pesach in any way shape or form.

I’m sure once you’re there you will look for it. Your neshma will want a Seder

Uuummmm no I will be going on holiday mum

So maybe not this year. I’m sure you will come back one day. In fact I know you will.

Yeah cos I have no clue what it’s about so I may get roped in? I was there all my life. I know what it’s about and no I won’t ever “come back”.

You will.

Whatever.