I Still Feel Like an Imposter

Although it’s been 9 years now since leaving my old world and the cult I was born into, I still feel like an outsider much of the time.

I have a good job, an amazing partner of 5 years and life is good. However, at times I look around and wonder what would people think of me if they knew the truth?

Would they still respect me and what I do if they knew I had no close family because I had to cut them off? Would they judge me for having 9 siblings and only being in touch with one of them and even that’s a recent development?

Would they think I was weak that I tolerated an abusive husband for 17 years? I hear people joke about how it could never happen to them and how do people stay with abusive people for so long?

And I want to scream and tell them that the woman sat opposite them was one of those “weak women”. But I know they would never understand me or believe me as I come across as “strong” so they feel safe talking that openly and judgementally to me.

It’s not often that I am able to share anything at all about my background. In fact I do my utmost to hide my identity from those around me.

But recently it’s become more challenging to keep these things secret. I’m scared of what people will think of me if they knew I was once a wig-wearing, skirt wearing, married as a teenager, Hasidic woman who had no voice and was abused for years.

I feel like a freaking imposter and I wonder when someone is gonna break my cover and people will find out who I really am… and what will they think…

#otd #religion #cult #hasidic

Tell the World Johnny….

Heard openly mocked Depp for being a “victim of abuse”

Jurors also heard a recording of Heard allegedly pressuring Depp to come forward as a “victim of domestic violence” and suggesting he wouldn’t be believed.

“Tell the world, Johnny, tell them, Johnny Depp, I, Johnny Depp, a man, I’m a victim too of domestic violence,” Heard says, before going on to challenge him to “see how many people believe or side with you.”

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-10878899/ACLU-shares-blame-defaming-Johnny-Depp-legal-scholar-argues.html

Jurors were played recordings of fights, including one in which Heard admitted to “hitting” Depp.

“You didn’t get punched. You got hit. I’m sorry I hit you like this, but I did not punch you. I did not fucking deck you. I fucking was hitting you.”

Heard later apologized.

Heard testified that Depp got violent during their honeymoon in 2015, after an argument over his drinking.

“He would slam me up against the wall,” she said. She said she feared Depp would kill her.

A trip to Australia, where Depp was filming the fifth installment of the Pirates of the Caribbean movie franchise, featured prominently in the trial. Depp claimed his wife threw a vodka bottle at him, severing the top of his middle right finger. Heard claimed Depp sexually assaulted her with a whiskey bottle.

“It [was] so easy for him to throw me around,” Heard testified. Depp, she said, shoved a liquor bottle “inside of me over and over again” and “said he would kill me”.

If this actually happened she would have been in hospital. The stories she’s come out with are ludicrous and lacked credibility in my personal opinion.

For everyone saying that “Now that a jury has sided with Johnny Depp, advocates say the verdict could have a chilling effect on other survivors looking to speak out against their abusers.” I say this.

Stop speaking on behalf of women like myself who have been abused while in a relationship with my ex husband.I support Johnny Depp.

He was the victim. Women always fight to be believed. This will set us back because we will be asked if we are like Amber Heard. Heard and the ACLU demonised Depp without knowing any facts. Shameful.

How Was This Ever Allowed on a TV Show?

In 2004 a 13 year old girl went on her own onto one of the biggest stages of any reality tv show at the time, The Maury Show.

She told Maury that at 12 she had been “in a relationship with an older boy” who had got her pregnant. I’ll say that again so it sinks in. She was just 12!!! And the boy was 16.

She had got pregnant and at that time the baby was just 8 weeks old… but she wasn’t sure who the father was as she had sex with another boy, just once, around the time of conception.

I’d like to state the importance of semantics here. This was a PRE-TEEN LITTLE GIRL WHO WAS RAPED BY TWO OLDER BOYS. I say RAPE as a child cannot consent to sex. The laws may be different when the boy is 15 but a 16 year old is…well… disturbing.

What shocked me more than all of that was that no one pulled them up on what they had been doing to her. Not one freaking person. Not even the host. Why???

How were these boys able to pretty much call her a slut because they said she slept with other boys. Like. Seriously. What the actual fuck.

Here’s her story. I cried. I saw a vulnerable little child used by older boys and treated appallingly by the show. I hope that after all these years have now passed she’s in a far better healthier place in her life and knows she deserved better…

#child #Maury #abuse #childabuse #MeToo

FGM Regret By A Kenyan Circumciser…

Trigger Warning – FGM REGRET 🥺🥺🥺

Bi Swalehe Hawaa was a Kenyan circumciser for over 20 years and circumcised over 500 girls BUT now regrets what she did to those girls.

“It took me long to come around and actually believe that whatever I w

as engaging in was wrong, but when my own granddaughter died while at it, that was my turning point.”
Shufaa Alamini, another circumciser who practised since 1994, says she regrets all she ignorantly did, “I have done it on hundreds of girls and back then, I was just focused on how much I was making because my children needed to eat.”

Sorry but the fact that she just feels bad now that her own grandchild died due to FGM doesn’t make me have any sympathy for her. She ruined over 500 girls’ lives. What she did to those girls can never be undone. She has no heart. Period.

Anyone who can hear the heart wrenching screams of little girls as they’re mutilated, held down by women like Bi Swalehe Hawaa, has no heart. She only regretted it when her own granddaughter died. What about the 500+ girls she hurt in the worst way?

No amount of money should make anyone mutilate little girls. How did she watch countless girls being held down and physically mutilate them for life? I have read a lot about this and it’s one of the most difficult things I have looked into…

I wish I had something really powerful to write about this, but I can’t. This is painful to read about, painful to hear people’s experiences, and painful to talk to people living with the after affects of FGM…. I can only cry as I write this. That’s all.

#endFGM #Kenya #abuse #FemaleGenitalMutilation #girls #children #ChildAbuse #finance #pain #painful #scream #kids #Religion #FGM

My own Mother forgot about me 🥺😏

Trigger Warning ⚠️ losing contact with parents and siblings.

It’s been so long that my mother called me instead of calling her friend!! I can’t imagine phoning someone else instead of my own child…. just because we have the same first names!

Oh and yeah… thanks but no thanks for the invite. I’ve not seen “family” since 2015 so I’m assuming the Purim messages were sent to everyone and not to me in particular 😏🤷🏻‍♀️😳

Please, please, please do not tell me “It’s the thought that counts” or “isn’t it nice she’s invited you”? etc. No! Absolutely not.

If she genuinely cared about mending our relationship she would start off with an apology for the most disgusting names I was called. But as she said when I told her how much pain she caused me, her response was “I meant every word so I can’t apologise as I feel the same way. Nothing has changed.”

Sometimes unfortunately we have to think of our own mental health and start considering ourselves, and stop feeling guilty for things we didn’t do or for living our truth. If we don’t do that things can spiral out of control very quickly.

And sometimes someone does or says something that is so painful that we have to say I’ve done enough. I cannot keep being put through all of this anymore.

I don’t wish anyone any harm, and I wish things were different. But while I have no control over what others say and do, I can control whether I engage or remove toxic people from my life.

#abuse #parenting #mothersday #mum #daughter #survivor #love #pain #hasidic #purim #culture #judaism #name #phone #Error #dinner #fun

No One Will Ever Believe You..

“I’m gonna tell someone what you’re doing”
I said this as a child.
And again as an adult.
Too many times.

“No one is ever gonna believe you”
They know that this is the likelihood.
They were right.
I wasn’t believed.

I still get messages from people from my old life back in the cult saying that I am a terrible person for leaving him.
And it’s always the same thing.

“He is such a good man.
How could you do that to him?”.

They don’t know.
They weren’t there.
How can they judge me?

I’ll never stop speaking out, however difficult it is.

One day I will be believed.
One day they will stop and realise it wasn’t me.
I wasn’t hurting my spouse or terrifying my kids.
That wasn’t me.

They always tell you you won’t be believed.
This doesn’t bother me anymore.
I know whatever I write is the truth.

One day I’ll be believed.

#domesticabusesurvivor #unorthodox #OTD #BelieveMe #metoomovement #ChildAbuse #sexualabuse #cult #Judaism #abuseawareness

Happy Fathers Day? Is it happy for you??

Fathers Day 2020

Today I have read post after post with people saying how much they love their dad and how he was the one to make them the person they are today.

I’ve also seen people write messages saying their father chose to cut them out, for whatever reason, and that they cut their dads out for some reason.

And reality has hit me. Again. There are so many fathers who have not been a role model to so many of us. The men for the first 35 years of my own life have been anything but decent.

Some fathers don’t understand the pain and PTSD they cause by their actions. Not respecting your daughter’s personal space and doing terrible things hoping it will never be known.

Men who scare their daughters with threats such as “if you ever tell anyone they won’t believe you, etc”. They know this is likely to be true.

Those are not the men we celebrate today. They’re not real men. Not fathers. So while I see lots of happy Father’s Day messages, I can’t join the sentiment. I don’t have those feelings. And I know so many of you feel the same.

So, today – as so many celebrate their relationships with their fathers, let’s not forget the thousands of people who haven’t got loving fathers who they can call on.