I Still Feel Like an Imposter

Although it’s been 9 years now since leaving my old world and the cult I was born into, I still feel like an outsider much of the time.

I have a good job, an amazing partner of 5 years and life is good. However, at times I look around and wonder what would people think of me if they knew the truth?

Would they still respect me and what I do if they knew I had no close family because I had to cut them off? Would they judge me for having 9 siblings and only being in touch with one of them and even that’s a recent development?

Would they think I was weak that I tolerated an abusive husband for 17 years? I hear people joke about how it could never happen to them and how do people stay with abusive people for so long?

And I want to scream and tell them that the woman sat opposite them was one of those “weak women”. But I know they would never understand me or believe me as I come across as “strong” so they feel safe talking that openly and judgementally to me.

It’s not often that I am able to share anything at all about my background. In fact I do my utmost to hide my identity from those around me.

But recently it’s become more challenging to keep these things secret. I’m scared of what people will think of me if they knew I was once a wig-wearing, skirt wearing, married as a teenager, Hasidic woman who had no voice and was abused for years.

I feel like a freaking imposter and I wonder when someone is gonna break my cover and people will find out who I really am… and what will they think…

#otd #religion #cult #hasidic

BBC1 Being Jewish

I just stumbled across this show on BBC IPlayer and am in middle of watching it now. If you get the opportunity to watch it, please do! It shows so many different forms of Judaism, and some things are truly eye-opening.

It’s not just about orthodox Jews, it shows converts, Reform Jews, and the rituals, celebrations, births, deaths, etc. There is so much to see that will make you smile, become educated, and sometimes cringe!! In general a great documentary.

#BBC #Iplayer #Judaism #Documentary #Support #London #UK #Synagogue #Rabbi #Lubavitch #Birth #Babies #circumcision #Brit #UK #Religion #Pride #wedding #celebration #covid19 #LGBT #Reform #Liberal #OrthodoxJews

https://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/p096g916/being-series-1-4-jewish

My own Mother forgot about me 🥺😏

Trigger Warning ⚠️ losing contact with parents and siblings.

It’s been so long that my mother called me instead of calling her friend!! I can’t imagine phoning someone else instead of my own child…. just because we have the same first names!

Oh and yeah… thanks but no thanks for the invite. I’ve not seen “family” since 2015 so I’m assuming the Purim messages were sent to everyone and not to me in particular 😏🤷🏻‍♀️😳

Please, please, please do not tell me “It’s the thought that counts” or “isn’t it nice she’s invited you”? etc. No! Absolutely not.

If she genuinely cared about mending our relationship she would start off with an apology for the most disgusting names I was called. But as she said when I told her how much pain she caused me, her response was “I meant every word so I can’t apologise as I feel the same way. Nothing has changed.”

Sometimes unfortunately we have to think of our own mental health and start considering ourselves, and stop feeling guilty for things we didn’t do or for living our truth. If we don’t do that things can spiral out of control very quickly.

And sometimes someone does or says something that is so painful that we have to say I’ve done enough. I cannot keep being put through all of this anymore.

I don’t wish anyone any harm, and I wish things were different. But while I have no control over what others say and do, I can control whether I engage or remove toxic people from my life.

#abuse #parenting #mothersday #mum #daughter #survivor #love #pain #hasidic #purim #culture #judaism #name #phone #Error #dinner #fun

No One Will Ever Believe You..

“I’m gonna tell someone what you’re doing”
I said this as a child.
And again as an adult.
Too many times.

“No one is ever gonna believe you”
They know that this is the likelihood.
They were right.
I wasn’t believed.

I still get messages from people from my old life back in the cult saying that I am a terrible person for leaving him.
And it’s always the same thing.

“He is such a good man.
How could you do that to him?”.

They don’t know.
They weren’t there.
How can they judge me?

I’ll never stop speaking out, however difficult it is.

One day I will be believed.
One day they will stop and realise it wasn’t me.
I wasn’t hurting my spouse or terrifying my kids.
That wasn’t me.

They always tell you you won’t be believed.
This doesn’t bother me anymore.
I know whatever I write is the truth.

One day I’ll be believed.

#domesticabusesurvivor #unorthodox #OTD #BelieveMe #metoomovement #ChildAbuse #sexualabuse #cult #Judaism #abuseawareness

Black Lives Matter has nothing to do with Jews

This isn’t going to be an easy post to write or read. And yes there will be people who will call me names for saying what I am. But this is my opinion and I need to speak up.

Before I say what I want I’d like to mention that the community I come from which is hasidic and Ultra Orthodox is incredibly racist. They don’t see black people as the same. They’re looked at as less than. As sub-human. The same way the Palestinians are looked at as sub-human.

The things I heard growing up are about as racist as anything you can imagine. There will be those who will say this isn’t true. But I lived that life and know for a fact that it is absolutely the case. Jews I was brought up with are some of the biggest racists. The inflammatory language used about black people is vile.

Even now as the world sees how unfairly black people are being treated there are Jews who justify it by using terms such as “they’re animals” or “they are tigers escaped from the zoo. What do we do to tigers who escape? We kill them”. And so many more that I cannot possibly write here.

I am in no way condoning the looting or rioting, much of which has been done by white people. What I’m talking about are regular black folk going about their lives and being constantly targeted simply because they’re black.

Over the last couple of weeks as people worldwide have been protesting the murder of a black man in broad daylight by 4 police officers. Feelings and emotions are high and there’s been a lot of anger at the police brutality particularly in America but indeed across the globe.

What has infuriated me are the number of Jews who have somehow made this about them. It’s not about YOU. Guess what? There are things that affect others. It’s not always about Jews.

I’ve had countless conversations, some very heated, where jewish people have tried to say that they understand racism because they have experienced antisemitism. Antisemitism and racism are so different. And to compare the two is ridiculous.

I’ve been accused of being antisemitic for using the Black Lives Matter frame on my Facebook page. Why? Because apparently this movement is antisemitic. I’ve asked several times for proof of this or links to data but as yet haven’t received any. That’s because this is nonsense.

I’ve also been told that jews have suffered more because 6 million Jews were killed in 6 years whereas that hasn’t been the case for black people.

This isn’t about who has suffered more. It’s not a competition. Yes Jews died in WW2. But that hasn’t got anything to do with what’s going on right now in 2020. Police brutality against the black community, for decades, does not affect Jews.

There are reports of a synagogue and kosher shop being targeted. This isn’t okay. But that’s done by bad people who are using this opportunity to be hateful. They are not the people who are protesting because they want long term changes to be made.

Jews can leave their homes and not have to worry that they will be a target by racist police. Black people have to be aware of this ALL the time. Never has there been a police officer who has strangled a Jewish person to death on the streets of America.

The fact that all this has to be said saddens me. Why would we need to discuss this as a black/Jewish issue. It’s not a Jewish issue.

Imagine for a moment that every time you go into a shop you’re followed around as though you’re a thief. Imagine being stopped several times a month as you drive purely because you’re black.

Imagine not being able to run for the bus because running in the street is seen as you’re running away or towards a crime. Imagine being in Central Park and bird watching and having the police called on you for being “an African American” knowing full well that that could end in a fatality.

Imagine dropping a parcel into a home and having your van blocked in and questioned why you’re there because you “don’t fit into the demographic of the area”. But you’re just a delivery driver!

Imagine a 12 year old child playing with a toy gun and the police shoot him dead…. Tamir Rice would have been 18 now.

Imagine going to a Mercedes Benz showroom and having your car blocked from leaving because the staff didn’t believe you’d be able to afford their cars and wanted to interrogate you as to why you’re there. There are so many more examples. These are just a few.

There are those who say that George Floyd did commit crimes in his past and that does indeed seem to be the case. However this isn’t about that. No one deserves to be strangled to death by white cops for having a fake $20 bill.

The protesting is no longer about Mr Floyd. It’s about the bigger picture. It’s about the targeting of black people for the colour of their skin. Period. And this is just unacceptable. It’s been going on for hundreds of years from when black people were taken to America as slaves and abused in every possible way. This has to stop.

We need to educate ourselves about why this has become as big as it has and why there’s so much passion and frustration among those this affects on a daily basis. We need to listen. We need to believe and not compare.

Jews have no Eric Garners, no George Floyds, no Breonna Taylor – to list just a few murders of black people by racist officers. Until we understand that Black Lives Matter, we can’t say All Lives Matter.

#BlackLivesMatter #BLM #racism #antisemitism

The Biggest Mistake I Made Was Getting Involved With A Narcissist…

I wrote this back in October 2017 but didn’t feel comfortable sharing it. Now is the time to do so – however difficult it is.

A very honest post which many of you will no doubt relate to.

I posted a while ago about a LDR I was involved in. I explained how he would call me repeatedly and expect answers as to why I didn’t pick up the phone. Saying “I was busy” never satisfied him.

Many of you replied saying run and red flag alert.

However I didn’t.

Stupid I know. But a part of me hoped he loved me enough to change and give me space.

I was wrong.

I have now found out there are things he lied to me about which I obviously wouldn’t find out as the LDR thing means he was able to hide basic things from me.

He knew I had suffered domestic abuse for 17 years and he promised he would never hurt me in any way.

I want to explain what happened over the past few months.

He expected me to stay on the phone to him for many many hours a day. The average time we would be on the phone would be around 8 hours a day or more. When I hung up he would then text me repeatedly how much he loved me and couldn’t live without me.

Stupidly I fell for his bullshit imagining this may be my happily ever after….

He said it was because he loved me so much and couldn’t live without me.

He wanted to “fall asleep with me” every night. That meant I had to be on the phone while we both fell asleep and in the mornings wake up to each others voice.

And then there was the insisting on phone sex. Often he tried to do it on video but I wouldn’t entertain that. Again this was because he loved me so much and if he couldn’t physically be intimate with me this was second best.

Yet again I fell for it.

He kept saying I love you. Over and over again. Maybe he was insecure. But although I was flattered at first it began to become a pressure.

As time went by things began to get too much for me. I had a check in with him the whole time, telling him where I was going and how long I would be.

He wanted to know everything about me. All my finances. My weight! Personal information etc. The list goes on.

Like I said at first I was flattered. Then I felt strangled. I wanted my space. I told him that and he sulked but tried to make changes. It was hard for him.

Then things started going wrong. He began to get frustrated at me for very small things. He didn’t like the way I spoke to him. Said I was too blunt. Said I was critical and never validated his feelings.

I knew I was not happy but he kept sucking me back in with his nice side. I kept going back. He made me cry so much every time he told me how I made him feel.

I tried to change. Be softer and nicer but things didn’t improve.

When we were physically together he wanted sex constantly. Definitely every night. “I have a high libido”.

“Sex is a 2 way street. We must both want it and then it will happen on its own. There shouldn’t be rules” I tried explaining to him.

“Okay if you’re not interested in sex and I am what can you do for me? Hand job? Blow job?”

Shocked. “I’m not a whore. If there’s love between us intimacy will happen organically” I said annoyed.

Things came to a head recently. He didn’t like something I said so totally blanked me for 2 days. No eye contact. No talking. Turned his back on me in bed. Walked 100 feet ahead of me in the street.

It was all too much.
I’d had enough.

I suddenly saw with clarity what he was like and at one point when we got to the airport I left him there and went home.

That was a few days ago. It’s been bloody painful. He’s blocked me on Facebook after I blocked him on watsapp. And that’s been the best thing.

Right now I’m trying to find myself again and get back to being me… without having to check in with anyone.

So thank you for all the advice you gave me back then and I fucking regret not listening. But now I’m done and am moving on.

#Narcissist #domesticabuse #sex #relationships #controlling

Leaving a Cult, High Control Group or Religion Does NOT make you Suddenly Become a Bad Parent. Parental Alienation personified.

Dear Readers

I implore you to take the time to read the propaganda put out by my old community. Notice the wording used when it comes to the parent who is still religious. They use words such as loving, being brave, and sobbing with pain, when her children had to go to their irreligious father is so wrong.

And what kind of language is used regarding the father who has left the faith? Interesting that just because someone has left, the assumption is we are bad parents. Phrases such as the father took off the child’s kippa, that he had the tv on… that “tatty doesn’t have a beard anymore” etc are incredibly insensitive and dangerous. And incorrect.

What message is this sending to their community? That because you’re religious you’re a loving parent who sobs into a prayer book when the kids go to the other parent? That because one isn’t religious one is automatically going to be doing things and involve the kids in their new life?

I know so many people who have left their ultra Orthodox communities who would never do anything to confuse their kids. Granted they may have cut their beard or uncovered their hair. But they go out their way to ensure the kids eat kosher and wouldn’t put the tv or internet on or show “funny things on the computer”. I know men and women who keep a kosher kitchen for the occasional visits from their religious kids. They absolutely do NOT take their kid’s kippa off their head or force them to do anything they know their children don’t do with the other parent.

This kind of literature, which is plastered all over the Stamford Hill community, is so destructive and wrong. And asking families who are living in abject poverty to give £500 or to set up a direct debit for 2 years is so manipulative and conniving.

Money raised to alienate kids from loving parents is wrong. Period. There’s laws around parental alienation and this is such a blatant case of this happening today, in London, in 2020!

Please share to raise awareness of what’s going on. Thank you ❤️

#StamfordHill #ParentalAlienation #London #Propaganda #community #Jewish #Hasidic #Lawyer #Court #FrumJews #Haredi #Cult

Being OTD – losing one’s loved ones….Today I made peace with the people who hurt me so deeply….. And our relationships are finished forever…. Read to Understand…..

​It’s taken so long

But today 

Yes 

Just today 

I finally made peace…..

Peace with my life. 

Peace with my choices. 

Peace with my situation. 

Peace with being alienated

From those I used to love….

And I’m okay.

I really am…..

It’s taken so long

But i feel that 

Finally 

I can breathe easier….

Today I feel a huge

Sense 

Of

Relief….

I thought it would be painful 

And it was 

Very…

But now the doubts and 

The questions 

Are all over. 

I’m a survivor

And I’ve been to hell

And 

Back

Again. 

But today I feel 

So freaking free

And it feels awesome…..

And it’s weird….

Cos I’ve been free

Technically 

For a while

But today…

It’s deeper freedom…..

Genuine…..

And I’m alright with it…..
Today I had my daughter’s

Bat Mitzva party

(a party when a girl turns 12)

And I knew I’d have to face 

The people who hurt me

The people who broke me

The people who kidnapped my 

Own daughter off me…..

I didn’t know how I’d face them….

But as a mum

There was no option. 

I had to be there

All 2 1/2 hours of it.

And it was hellish

Walking in….

I was fighting my tears

Holding back tightly

Choking back the pain

Threatening to suffocate me……

Looking around 

So many people

People I hadn’t seen in so long

People who caused me 

So much heartache

People who made me consider

Giving up

Thinking life wasn’t worth living

When I was in so much distress…..

How I walked in is beyond me….

But I had to….

I’d planned how to deal with it

How i would cope with it

But walking in felt different

Harder than I ever imagined….

I didn’t think.

I blocked it out.

Switched by brain off

For a few moments 

And did what i had to.

Braced

Cold

Shaky

Brave

Strong

Don’t cry

Don’t break

Don’t let anyone say

Anything 

Don’t let them know

How broken you feel 

How this is the last place 

You want to be….

How different 

You feel

Out of place 

Worlds apart….

Lives apart….

It’s my old life

The one I left behind…..

It was so strange…..

The environment was odd

Girls only

Not used to that…..
It was pink and frilly 

Every girl’s dream….

It was like a pretense

Fairytale land 

Away from reality

The entertainment

Dancing

Food

Well organised….
A sister came over to me

I barely recognised her….

She had lost weight

And looked different….

Trying to be friendly 

She said hi how are you

And my initial reaction was

Unsavoury 

“How fucking DARE you ask that???

How the hell do you think I am???

You’re acting like her mum

When I’m her mum

And I hate you for the vile 

False allegations you wrote about me

And gave to Court about me!!!”
Instead I kept my facial expression

Civil

Cold

Unmoved

And mumbled “fine”

And walked away.

I couldn’t pretend

We were ok 

I wasn’t about to be nice to 

People who hurt me so deeply….
I’m not hateful….

Or vengeful…..

I forgive people

Who cause me pain…..

But with them they stepped over 

The invisible mark

So I’m totally done.

Forever. 

Yes…

Forever…..
The next sister came over 

Hi How are you 

Have a hot dog

Bla bla

“No”

Walked away.

Again.

She was the worst one.

She took me to court 

Stood in court

Against me

On the same side as my ex…..

Forgive her???

My arse.

Unforgivable.

Who takes their sister to court

For custody of their child????

Who makes vicious allegations 

Against a sister 

Knowing full well that were false….

And now she’s standing here 

In front of me 

Asking how I am….

Omg omg 

What

The 

Actual

Fuck!!!!
Third sister comes over. 

She’s nothing to do with 

What happened 

But I feel uneasy.

I’m polite 

Give her an air kiss

And ask why she came all the way 

As she lives so far.

We talked all of 30 seconds 

Perhaps.

I had nothing to say to her …

And I don’t trust her 

Or any of them anymore……

How can I?
I know they discuss me

And whatever I do or say 

Will be the topic of conversation 

And so I keep quiet….

And sit in a corner

Taking pictures 

Videos

Trying to focus

On my stunning daughter

And making sure she’s okay….

I felt so irrelevant….

Why was I even there??

They took over all the tasks

And preparations

And I just kept to myself. 

I was texting a close friend 

Telling him how broken I felt 

And how I wanted to run away

And break down 

And he was amazing…

We spoke and he stayed

On the phone with me 

For a while

Till I felt a bit stronger….

At one point they were 

Taking pictures 

In a photo booth

Screaming 

Having fun 

Laughing

Jumping up and down 

Being crazy

And as I walked past 

They called me to join them.

I literally couldn’t believe it

Why would I want to be with 

Haters

People who broke me

And I look …..

They are smiling 

Thinking “she will come over 

And it will all be okay and 

Back to

Normal…..”

But that’s not what happened…..

I shook my head marginally

Not making eye contact……

And walked away

Not making a scene…..

Just quietly moving away…..

Maybe they will finally 

Realise they have hurt me 

Beyond repair…

And even if they ask for

Forgiveness

Which they never have done 

I couldn’t grant it…..
At the end of the party

I saw my sisters chatting

Their backs to me

And a huge wave of 

Realisation hit me 

Hard……
All the months

All the time 

All the tears

All the pain 

They put me through…..

It was over….

I felt nothing for them…

No bond

For they had broken it….

And we were no longer

Siblings

Sisters

Those relationships are over…..

And although it should hurt

I just feel

Relief

And a huge sense of 

CLOSURE…….

The maybes

The what ifs

The worries 

It was all over…..

I’m a woman with 

One brother now

And that’s it.

I used to have 9 siblings 

Now I have only one….

And It’s okay…..

They can’t hurt me 

Anymore

As they are strangers 

To me now 

And I am done….
So now yes tonight

I made peace 

Finally

With the people 

Who used to be 

My family

As they are no longer

Entitled to call themselves 

My family…..

Families don’t fuck 

Each other over so

Painfully…..
They have lost the 

Privilige of calling me

Their 

Sister……

And I’m okay with it….

Genuinely…..

And I’m happy….

And relieved……

At peace….

This hellish chapter

Of my life 

Is finally 

Over

For good……