Although it’s been 9 years now since leaving my old world and the cult I was born into, I still feel like an outsider much of the time.
I have a good job, an amazing partner of 5 years and life is good. However, at times I look around and wonder what would people think of me if they knew the truth?
Would they still respect me and what I do if they knew I had no close family because I had to cut them off? Would they judge me for having 9 siblings and only being in touch with one of them and even that’s a recent development?
Would they think I was weak that I tolerated an abusive husband for 17 years? I hear people joke about how it could never happen to them and how do people stay with abusive people for so long?
And I want to scream and tell them that the woman sat opposite them was one of those “weak women”. But I know they would never understand me or believe me as I come across as “strong” so they feel safe talking that openly and judgementally to me.
It’s not often that I am able to share anything at all about my background. In fact I do my utmost to hide my identity from those around me.
But recently it’s become more challenging to keep these things secret. I’m scared of what people will think of me if they knew I was once a wig-wearing, skirt wearing, married as a teenager, Hasidic woman who had no voice and was abused for years.
I feel like a freaking imposter and I wonder when someone is gonna break my cover and people will find out who I really am… and what will they think…
Racist thugs in Manhattan harass a Jewish man right in front of a cop. All this man did was wear a kippa and mind his own business.
Do they imagine we will look at them attacking this Jewish man and cheer them on or say it’s okay?
These thugs are not helping any alleged causes they’re fighting for. Attacking an innocent person is always wrong. Vile thugs using an opportunity to attack an innocent man is seriously disgusting.
Bi Swalehe Hawaa was a Kenyan circumciser for over 20 years and circumcised over 500 girls BUT now regrets what she did to those girls.
“It took me long to come around and actually believe that whatever I w
as engaging in was wrong, but when my own granddaughter died while at it, that was my turning point.” Shufaa Alamini, another circumciser who practised since 1994, says she regrets all she ignorantly did, “I have done it on hundreds of girls and back then, I was just focused on how much I was making because my children needed to eat.”
Sorry but the fact that she just feels bad now that her own grandchild died due to FGM doesn’t make me have any sympathy for her. She ruined over 500 girls’ lives. What she did to those girls can never be undone. She has no heart. Period.
Anyone who can hear the heart wrenching screams of little girls as they’re mutilated, held down by women like Bi Swalehe Hawaa, has no heart. She only regretted it when her own granddaughter died. What about the 500+ girls she hurt in the worst way?
No amount of money should make anyone mutilate little girls. How did she watch countless girls being held down and physically mutilate them for life? I have read a lot about this and it’s one of the most difficult things I have looked into…
I wish I had something really powerful to write about this, but I can’t. This is painful to read about, painful to hear people’s experiences, and painful to talk to people living with the after affects of FGM…. I can only cry as I write this. That’s all.
I just stumbled across this show on BBC IPlayer and am in middle of watching it now. If you get the opportunity to watch it, please do! It shows so many different forms of Judaism, and some things are truly eye-opening.
It’s not just about orthodox Jews, it shows converts, Reform Jews, and the rituals, celebrations, births, deaths, etc. There is so much to see that will make you smile, become educated, and sometimes cringe!! In general a great documentary.
Trigger Warning ⚠️ losing contact with parents and siblings.
It’s been so long that my mother called me instead of calling her friend!! I can’t imagine phoning someone else instead of my own child…. just because we have the same first names!
Oh and yeah… thanks but no thanks for the invite. I’ve not seen “family” since 2015 so I’m assuming the Purim messages were sent to everyone and not to me in particular 😏🤷🏻♀️😳
Please, please, please do not tell me “It’s the thought that counts” or “isn’t it nice she’s invited you”? etc. No! Absolutely not.
If she genuinely cared about mending our relationship she would start off with an apology for the most disgusting names I was called. But as she said when I told her how much pain she caused me, her response was “I meant every word so I can’t apologise as I feel the same way. Nothing has changed.”
Sometimes unfortunately we have to think of our own mental health and start considering ourselves, and stop feeling guilty for things we didn’t do or for living our truth. If we don’t do that things can spiral out of control very quickly.
And sometimes someone does or says something that is so painful that we have to say I’ve done enough. I cannot keep being put through all of this anymore.
I don’t wish anyone any harm, and I wish things were different. But while I have no control over what others say and do, I can control whether I engage or remove toxic people from my life.
Today I have read post after post with people saying how much they love their dad and how he was the one to make them the person they are today.
I’ve also seen people write messages saying their father chose to cut them out, for whatever reason, and that they cut their dads out for some reason.
And reality has hit me. Again. There are so many fathers who have not been a role model to so many of us. The men for the first 35 years of my own life have been anything but decent.
Some fathers don’t understand the pain and PTSD they cause by their actions. Not respecting your daughter’s personal space and doing terrible things hoping it will never be known.
Men who scare their daughters with threats such as “if you ever tell anyone they won’t believe you, etc”. They know this is likely to be true.
Those are not the men we celebrate today. They’re not real men. Not fathers. So while I see lots of happy Father’s Day messages, I can’t join the sentiment. I don’t have those feelings. And I know so many of you feel the same.
So, today – as so many celebrate their relationships with their fathers, let’s not forget the thousands of people who haven’t got loving fathers who they can call on.
I wrote this back in October 2017 but didn’t feel comfortable sharing it. Now is the time to do so – however difficult it is.
A very honest post which many of you will no doubt relate to.
I posted a while ago about a LDR I was involved in. I explained how he would call me repeatedly and expect answers as to why I didn’t pick up the phone. Saying “I was busy” never satisfied him.
Many of you replied saying run and red flag alert.
However I didn’t.
Stupid I know. But a part of me hoped he loved me enough to change and give me space.
I was wrong.
I have now found out there are things he lied to me about which I obviously wouldn’t find out as the LDR thing means he was able to hide basic things from me.
He knew I had suffered domestic abuse for 17 years and he promised he would never hurt me in any way.
I want to explain what happened over the past few months.
He expected me to stay on the phone to him for many many hours a day. The average time we would be on the phone would be around 8 hours a day or more. When I hung up he would then text me repeatedly how much he loved me and couldn’t live without me.
Stupidly I fell for his bullshit imagining this may be my happily ever after….
He said it was because he loved me so much and couldn’t live without me.
He wanted to “fall asleep with me” every night. That meant I had to be on the phone while we both fell asleep and in the mornings wake up to each others voice.
And then there was the insisting on phone sex. Often he tried to do it on video but I wouldn’t entertain that. Again this was because he loved me so much and if he couldn’t physically be intimate with me this was second best.
Yet again I fell for it.
He kept saying I love you. Over and over again. Maybe he was insecure. But although I was flattered at first it began to become a pressure.
As time went by things began to get too much for me. I had a check in with him the whole time, telling him where I was going and how long I would be.
He wanted to know everything about me. All my finances. My weight! Personal information etc. The list goes on.
Like I said at first I was flattered. Then I felt strangled. I wanted my space. I told him that and he sulked but tried to make changes. It was hard for him.
Then things started going wrong. He began to get frustrated at me for very small things. He didn’t like the way I spoke to him. Said I was too blunt. Said I was critical and never validated his feelings.
I knew I was not happy but he kept sucking me back in with his nice side. I kept going back. He made me cry so much every time he told me how I made him feel.
I tried to change. Be softer and nicer but things didn’t improve.
When we were physically together he wanted sex constantly. Definitely every night. “I have a high libido”.
“Sex is a 2 way street. We must both want it and then it will happen on its own. There shouldn’t be rules” I tried explaining to him.
“Okay if you’re not interested in sex and I am what can you do for me? Hand job? Blow job?”
Shocked. “I’m not a whore. If there’s love between us intimacy will happen organically” I said annoyed.
Things came to a head recently. He didn’t like something I said so totally blanked me for 2 days. No eye contact. No talking. Turned his back on me in bed. Walked 100 feet ahead of me in the street.
It was all too much. I’d had enough.
I suddenly saw with clarity what he was like and at one point when we got to the airport I left him there and went home.
That was a few days ago. It’s been bloody painful. He’s blocked me on Facebook after I blocked him on watsapp. And that’s been the best thing.
Right now I’m trying to find myself again and get back to being me… without having to check in with anyone.
So thank you for all the advice you gave me back then and I fucking regret not listening. But now I’m done and am moving on.
Diary of an OTD Girl 