I Still Feel Like an Imposter

Although it’s been 9 years now since leaving my old world and the cult I was born into, I still feel like an outsider much of the time.

I have a good job, an amazing partner of 5 years and life is good. However, at times I look around and wonder what would people think of me if they knew the truth?

Would they still respect me and what I do if they knew I had no close family because I had to cut them off? Would they judge me for having 9 siblings and only being in touch with one of them and even that’s a recent development?

Would they think I was weak that I tolerated an abusive husband for 17 years? I hear people joke about how it could never happen to them and how do people stay with abusive people for so long?

And I want to scream and tell them that the woman sat opposite them was one of those “weak women”. But I know they would never understand me or believe me as I come across as “strong” so they feel safe talking that openly and judgementally to me.

It’s not often that I am able to share anything at all about my background. In fact I do my utmost to hide my identity from those around me.

But recently it’s become more challenging to keep these things secret. I’m scared of what people will think of me if they knew I was once a wig-wearing, skirt wearing, married as a teenager, Hasidic woman who had no voice and was abused for years.

I feel like a freaking imposter and I wonder when someone is gonna break my cover and people will find out who I really am… and what will they think…

#otd #religion #cult #hasidic

Asking a Cross Section of Israelis How to Solve the Israel-Palestine Situation

“We conquered these places. They’re rightfully ours”
“There’s only one answer. We should carpet bomb them”
“We need to kill the Arabs”
“We have the right to hate them”
“We gave them Gaza. They should be happy or go back to Iran”

This is how the majority of the people of Israel think. And they’re not ashamed of their extremely radical and ignorant views.

They cannot differentiate between Hamas and innocent Palestinians. Even young people are blatantly calling for them to be annihilated.

It wasn’t that long ago when people were doing the same about the Jews. How can they not see they’re behaving the same way?

#Israel #Palestine #FreePalestine #Protest #BeKind #compassion #freedom #humanity #Gaza #SheikhJarrah #war #Peace #children #Hamas #rockets #IDF #bombs #MiddleEast

BBC1 Being Jewish

I just stumbled across this show on BBC IPlayer and am in middle of watching it now. If you get the opportunity to watch it, please do! It shows so many different forms of Judaism, and some things are truly eye-opening.

It’s not just about orthodox Jews, it shows converts, Reform Jews, and the rituals, celebrations, births, deaths, etc. There is so much to see that will make you smile, become educated, and sometimes cringe!! In general a great documentary.

#BBC #Iplayer #Judaism #Documentary #Support #London #UK #Synagogue #Rabbi #Lubavitch #Birth #Babies #circumcision #Brit #UK #Religion #Pride #wedding #celebration #covid19 #LGBT #Reform #Liberal #OrthodoxJews

https://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/p096g916/being-series-1-4-jewish

This Passover I am Celebrating My Freedom, and The Ability to Choose What I Do….

My old world are currently celebrating Passover. I have not done it since 2015 and for reasons I have previously posted here about, I don’t have any contact with any family members. I was ostracised by some of them, and chose to cut out the rest because they kidnapped my daughter in order to “save her soul”. After a long and bitter custody battle, I was one of the lucky ones to get her back.

The day before Passover began, my mother messaged my daughter inviting her to go over to celebrate with her and my dad. No one else lives there, and I was taken aback that she had been invited, and I hadn’t. My daughter who is 16 now, said she would want to pop in at some point over the first or second night. I had the most awful feeling in the pit of my stomach. My head was in a mess.

On the one hand, I would never want to stop her having contact with her grandparents. On the other hand, if she did want to go, I would have to go with her as she isn’t comfortable going alone. I was also thinking about Covid-19 and know there have been hundreds of deaths in their community and I know they’re simply not taking it as seriously as the rest of us. Suddenly I wondered who else would be there? She hadn’t even thought of that.

I texted my mother asking who would be going, and she gave me a list of which families would be there each night. I was horrified. Had she not considered what it would do to my daughter and myself seeing those people after all these years? Was it on purpose? Did she want us to be in close proximity so that we would be forced to interact and try to sort things out once and for all?

The fact that we had not been told who would be there was something that really bothered me. I thought it was incredibly insensitive. The thought of going there made me really angry, but I had to stop showing those feelings while my daughter made up her mind. When she heard this, she absolutely had zero interest in going there. Not for the evening, and not for 5 minutes either.

I was hugely relieved as I knew my daughter came first and if she really wanted to go, I would have no option but to go. It has left me with so many strange emotions. I am angry, frustrated, disappointed, and alone. But the overriding emotion is sadness at their lack of care, compassion and sensitivity towards me and what a number of family members had put me through. Whether or not I share their religion, should be irrelevant to them, but it’s not.

Thinking back to my decades doing Passover, the main things I feel are stress, anxiety and a load of heavy pressure that would go on for weeks before Passover started. I choose to celebrate my freedom by having nothing to do with anything religious and to be free to decide what to do with my life, without the external pressures forced on me.

#freedom #religion #religiousfreedom #children #culture #passover #Pesach #cult #parenting #childhood #parentalalienationawareness #FREE #anxiety #compassion