I’m a Recovering Drug Addict. There. I said it. 

I’m a recovering addict of prescription drugs.

I didn’t admit this to myself until the addiction was out of control and my life was ruled by my heavy addiction.

 This is my story in brief.

In 2010 I became desperately ill and spent around 3 years in hospital barely going home during that time. I almost lost my life twice.

Being this unwell stemmed from the serious domestic abuse I suffered for 17 years while I was with my ex husband. Long story. 

 During that time I had over 100 surgeries to fix my broken body.

Obviously the surgeons needed a way to keep me pain free. That’s when I got hooked up to a morphine drip. Whenever I was in pain all I had to do was press the button and a dose would enter my blood stream through the central line.

I was also on Tramadol (for the pain)…. Cyclizine (anti sickness)…. Temazepam (sleeping tablets) and lots more. 

 Problems started when I finally got discharged and went home. I couldn’t deal with the pain. The doctors prescribed me all the meds and I took them all.

Not just the recommended dosage. Half a pill here. An extra pill there. I was doubling and trebling some doses. 

 I suddenly realised that as the pain reduced my reliance on the tablets became stronger. I started enjoying the high they gave me. Morphine was the best. It numbed me. I didn’t feel anything.
 

Whenever my ex did anything I’d immediatley go to my drawer and take a cocktail of pills and swallow them. I always felt better. They knocked me out. I would fall asleep and not have to think of what had happened to me. 

 I began lying to my Doctor telling him how much pain I was in…. begging him to renew my prescription over and over again. I cried. I did whatever it took to get the pills I needed.

I was hooked.
Totally hooked. 

 One day I read about morphine addicts and didn’t even realise this was me.

I wasn’t addicted. I needed them for medical reasons. 

I was in pain. 

 Or was I? 

 I read morphine was an opiate.

 Same family as heroine.

That moment.
That realisation.
That thunderbolt moment.

I’m an addict.
Not just any addict.
A drug addict. 

 I tried to wean myself off them.
I got the shakes. The sweats. Anger. Frustration. Serious withdrawal issues. I relapsed. Couldn’t do it. 

 This pattern continued for over 5 years.

Eventually with a huge amount of willpower and patience and having time to myself to go through the withdrawal process I managed to slowly cut down all the pills I was taking. 

 During this whole time no one had any idea what I was doing. It was a battle I was fighting on my own…. 

 Now it’s been almost 2 years and I have had no relapse. However I still find myself thinking of it every single day…. especially when I’m having a particularly difficult time.

But so far I’ve been able to stick to it. 

 I don’t think I will ever be free mentally from this serious addiction that controlled me for over 5 years but I have learned to live with it…. 

 This is the first time I have ever shared this with anyone…. feel drained….

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4 thoughts on “I’m a Recovering Drug Addict. There. I said it. 

  1. Esther, You are amazing.Not many people have been able to fight addiction on their own and by themselves. If you can do something this hard you can do anything you set your mind to. In the US there are so many people that had surgery and ended up becoming addicted to their pain pills. A lot of them could no longer get their pills and turned to street drugs of unknown quality and danger, many have died of overdose because of it.You survived thank g-d and your children still have you.No one can replace you.You are brave.Take care-Sara Elkins

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Esther I have so much respect for you. Being able to kick this habit on your own is incredible. And sharing this openly too takes tremendous courage. You are an inspiration ❤❤

    Liked by 1 person

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