Reminiscing….

For the 17 years

I was married
No one knew
What was happening
To me
And my kids.

No one knew about the
Horrors
The nightmares
The pain
The deep sadness
That was going on
Behind closed doors.

It was kind of
A game.
We never told anyone
And sadly
Learned how to
Pretend
That we were happy
That he was
A good dad
That he was caring
Supportive
Loyal
Loving
But in truth
He was anything but.

We obviously pretended
So well
That
Everyone thought
It was the truth.
And we were one
Happy family.

Looking back
In hindsight
There were red flags
Warnings
That perhaps if
I was older
I’d have picked up on.

But I was blind
Naive
And far too young.

Before we got married
There were a few incidents
Which made me
Fearful
Scared of the guy
I was dating
And scared of what
He was capable of.

He is a highly intelligent man
Very eloquent
Convincing
Patronising
And he would scoff
And mock
My thoughts and ideas
And I didn’t know
Who to turn to
For advice.

I felt stupid
He hadn’t really
Done anything
It was more a
Feeling
A sixth sense
Perhaps.

And as time
Moved on
The wedding date
Was closer than ever
And my mind
Was fucked up
I was in a mess.

I smiled through
My fears
Chatted to colleagues
Despite the anxiety
I was experiencing.
I covered up well
Too well.

I wanted it to be perfect.
To have a perfect
Life
Husband
Family
Home
And I felt if I acted
It may happen
In real life.

A month before the wedding
I knew it wasn’t good
I felt sickened.
He had started
Calling me names
Was critical of
My figure
In a disrespectful way
And I began to feel
Fear.
I was marrying
The man I was scared of…..

But I couldn’t tell anyone
and besides that
I couldn’t cancel
My wedding this late
In the day?
Or could I?

He started monitoring me
Where was I after work
What are you
Doing this evening
Why didn’t you
Pick up the phone when I called
Who called you just now
The questions
Went on and on.

I hadn’t done anything
Wrong
And yet
I felt like a
Criminal.

So…
The biggest mouth
In my family
The most outspoken
In my class
And yes it happened
To me.

He broke me down
Piece by piece
Chipping away
At my sense of self
My confidence.

He would criticise
Anything I did
And he’d expect me to
Come to meet him
For a drink or meal
And if I was even
One minute late
He would get angry at me.

The whole time
I kept thinking
It will get better
When we are married
It will be perfect.
Like in my dreams.

Sometime
We want to dream
Nice dreams
And instead
It’s a nightmare
You wake up
Shaking
Bathed in sweat
And glad it was just
A nightmare
And not reality.

But my nightmare
Never stopped
I never woke up
It was there
Every day
Every night
Year after year
Getting worse and worse.
Hell.

Even nowadays
I have dreams
That wake me up
Terrified
And I remember
The horrors
Of my marriage
The suffering
I endured
The pain my kids went through ….

But I wake up
And it takes me a moment
To remember
It’s over
He’s gone
And it’s time to
Rebuild our lives….

With tears
And pain
I write this
So others don’t feel
So alone
And will reach out
For help…

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2 thoughts on “Reminiscing….

  1. just wondering, as soon as the name calling started and you said to him. I want an apology straight away and a promise that it it will never happen again otherwise I am breaking the engagement, how would he have reacted. ?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Good question. I often wonder that myself looking back and imagining how things could have been very different had I had the confidence to do that. I guess in hindsight I could have done things differently but that’s part of the reason I wrote this blog. To educate people and to show how badly wrong it can go if it’s not nipped in the bud early on.

      In my situation I wasn’t living at home and had no contact with my parents so felt if I told him this then I’d end up with no one. And I was scared of breaking off the engagement.. scared of peoples’ reactions.

      It’s very complicated.

      Liked by 1 person

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